What Would Cesar Do?

Yesterday, somebody told me that it looks like I’m trying to look like the Dog Whisperer on my website’s homepage. This I took as a compliment because, in fact, I am always trying to be like Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer. I wish to emulate him in the same way that some people wish to emulate the Dalai Lama. Anybody who’s a fan of The Dog Whisperer show will understand why. Cesar Millan is a mastermind of canine and human psychological and spiritual healing and I have often thought that he should sell bumper stickers that read WWCD (What Would Cesar Do?)

I think in WWCD terms all the time. Recently I was confronted by a very aggressive man at Stew Leonard’s (it’s a Connecticut grocery store/theme park) who believed that my leaving my shopping cart parked in front of the bagels for two minutes violated all laws of decency.

“Move your f____ing cart,” he barked at me when I wandered back from the cold cuts, and then he actually shoved my cart at me. The man was in what Cesar would call an aggressive/dominant state. In the past I would probably have either joined him in the red zone by cursing angrily back at him, or I would have slunk off with a whining apology and my tail between my legs. But I didn’t do either this time. I did what Cesar Millan would have done. I stood my ground, maintaining calm, assertive energy. I placed my salami in the cart and when the man snapped at me again, I said, suddenly (but still calmly and assertively) “HEY! in a clipped tone – the human version of the “tchhhhh” noise Cesar uses on dogs and the man clammed up and wandered off! If you haven’t seen the show, Netflix an entire season. You really don’t have to be a dog owner to benefit from the teachings of Cesar Millan.

Last year, Denis’s publicist said the Dog Whisperer people were interested in having Denis and our dogs on the show, as they sometimes do segments on celebrity dog owners. Denis loves The Dog Whisper and his first response was “great, I’ll get to meet Cesar Millan,” but I wasn’t so sure he should do it, and this is why: Cesar has a tendency to make men cry about their dogs on his show. Especially men with tough exteriors. I’ve seen it more than once. One minute, a man is chopping wood and talking about his years as a combat Marine, the next minute he’s weeping into the fur of his beloved Cock-a-poo. “I just l-l-ove her soooo much, and I wa-wa-ant her to he happy,” he sobs, and Cesar, in a calm, listening state, nods. He understands. He understands everything.

One recent weekend while Denis and I were watching a Dog Whisperer marathon, I heard a strange croaking sound coming from Denis’s end of the couch. I think it was during the episode about the Yorkie who goes berserk when the vacuum cleaner is turned on. When Cesar told the owner that she was letting the dog down by treating her with “human psychology not dog psychology,” Denis began making these choking, gurgling noises.

“Are you …okay?” I asked.

“What? Yeah, I just have something stuck in my throat,” Denis said, blinking madly. Then after a moment, he whispered, “Life is sometimes just so …unfair,” and he sprang from the couch and ran to the bathroom where he remained for some time.