I was stranded, with my fellow JetBlue passengers, on a tarmac in DC last night because all the New York airports were closed due to heavy fog. I was on my way back from Florida where I had gone with my sister to visit my father and his lovely wife Terry. My sister Meg took a different flight back to Boston. My flight was supposed to land in NY at 7:00 but at 7:45 we were still flying.
“Visibility is poor,” the pilot kept announcing as we circled above the northeast with hundreds of other planes. It was hard to believe, because where we were, soaring motionlessly in that roaring jet, high above a bank of rolling white clouds, you could see stratified plateaus of pink and blue that stretched for what seemed like hundreds of miles of space. You could see nothing solid, just color, but it was everywhere, and so clear and bright. Below those perfectly innocent looking clouds was a grey, thick mass that would prevent us from finding a safe landing strip in New York. So we flew to DC and hung out on a tarmac with a dozen or so other jets. Waiting for visibility to return to New York. And it did become visible in New York, eventually.
It occurred to me, sitting on that tarmac, listening to babies cry and old people shout into their cellphones, that families of origin are complicated destinations to depart from.
Meg and I had gone to see my dad this weekend because he was performing in a play. He was a fantastic Colonel Pickering in a production of My Fair Lady at a community theater near his home in Florida. Really, he stole the show. He’s in his seventies but he acts in plays, does yoga, plays tennis, kayaks and hikes.
He and Terry lived on an island off Washington for years, so we didn’t get to see them very often. Now that he’s on the eastern side of the country, hopefully we’ll see them more. But there’s a gulf between us, created together, its murky depths filled with memories, both good and bad. Childhood trips, family pets, divorce, and then the acting-out years (both his and mine). It’s more of a drainage ditch than a gulf, really, filled with treasures and wreckage, the flotsam and jetsam of two lives biologically and cosmically linked. My dad and I share some physical traits, quirky senses of humor, nervous conditions, the tendency to squint and frown. We try to understand each other. We both want to forgive and to be forgiven, I think, but for what? Where would we begin?
The lights on the tarmac when we finally descended into New York were blurred by the rain and they flashed beneath us in fiery streaks when we landed. I drove home at midnight. My daughter had waited up to see me. I was so happy to be home.
For some reason, I find this poem fitting. I dedicate it to my father:
This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
That poem speaks volumes.I understand it well as I am estranged from my dad. He lives in Fl too and is a very active 92.
Ann, you need to write a memoir. You have me very curious about your background. It would also help you understand and come to terms with your relationships.
: )
I loved you talking about your father, nice that you went to visit. “Where would we begin?” how many times have I said that? And if there is only one person willing to work on it, can it happen? Where is your mom? My father is 70, just got back from Daytona Bike week with his 32 year old girlfriend (I am 47)… I really am happy for him, it keeps him young, better than playing Bingo! He has a bad attitude towards women, they are good for one thing, to serve a man, not the kind of guy I like, but he’s my dad, how do I tolerate him? And on the lighter side, I bought a $50.00 ticket on a Harley Davidson and won Saturday night!!! Leaving next Monday on a 3 week road trip to Key West, life is good!!! Hopefully, the hotels I chose will have FX and I can watch Rescue Me, who knows when we will get it in Canada on Showtime!
That is a beautiful tribute to your Dad, Ann….:)
I know he is feeling so special because his daughters were there to watch his performance…
Sounds like he stays pretty busy which is a great thing…
Your Dad is very lucky to have daughters like you two….
I have worked in places and have seen families never come to visit…
It saddens me greatly, as our older generation have so much to offer….
I was very close to my Dad, also shared
his sense of humor, quirks, we have similar coloring ( he was of Mexican, Spanish & Puerto Rican descent), I was adopted and of Mediterranean descent, (1/2 Greek, quarter Italian, quarter Irish), being the baby also had advantages…
Ann, what a wonderful weekend, thank you for sharing it with us.
Ann:
Welcome back!, on behalf of the pretty horseys and your dogs {did you get your barn cat yet?)and out of that plane with the fog.
Your children, who believe you are invincible, probably thought nothing of it (that parents are).
And about relationships with parents, children, sibblings.. well. Just think of the mix of genes when a person is born, coming from both sides of the families.. and sometimes it is a miracle that you do get along. It is not taught in the books, though. Maybe it should.
The poem is lovely!.
Lupe
Ann:
Wanted to share that we had a tiny earthquake in Silicon Valley today {moved away from San Francisco, could NOT stand it}, and it read 4.3 BUT they never come in ‘singles’ and I was aprehensive. Still are. So, I went for a walk in this park that has a 8 mile (one way) (if you want it) and did that fast walking thing, whereby you swing your hips and your shoulders, as if you ‘were going somewhere’ or something, as it is very good for circulation not only the blood but the lymphatic system. Anyway, I hope no-one was taking photos, which makes it a good thing to be an unknown, I mean, just imagine IF you did that! it would be on the evening news… gees.. but it felt great. I was not about to hike the hills with the earthquake fear. I am a chicken shit!. Whatever.
Then thinking about the people in Fargo, and the eruption up north… better stop thinking.
Thanks for sharing, Ann. Families can certainly be a complicated affair, especially when the kids become adults and start seeing their parents in a whole different light than when they (the kids) were growing up. Your musings reminded me of Mark Twain’s observation: “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
So, Ann, if you were in Florida this past weekend, I guess it’s safe to say that you missed your hubby’s “wicked good” (and extremely funny) comedy show at Mohegan Sun. His hot-tub story was priceless!
Yes, I didn’t make the Mohegan Sun show but will see him this week at Radio City. Heard it was a great show. Can’t wait to hear this hot tub story everybody’s talking about!
We both want to forgive and to be forgiven, I think, but for what? Where would we begin?
Wonderful questions…
If for anything, let it be the quiet peace that you will find by letting go of the “old recordings that play over and over again” to no avail. Forgiveness unlocks the strongholds on one’s soul and psyche, those that we sometimes are unaware of until we truly forgive ourselves and those who have hurt us. It is a continuing process as we grow up and raise our own families. I can only assume that our parents did the best they could in their minds, regardless of how we see them.
The time to begin, is always now…….
Our reaching across the table to forgive, also becomes a life lesson that our children see as well. It starts one step at a time. One brick taken away from the wall, sometimes to be put back quickly, and then down again. Little by little – we take a breath of life as we let go of the junk and baggage that hold us captive. Little by little we become whole…..
How funny, I just went to see my Mom this weekend and can totally relate to your relationship between you and your Dad. Families. Where would we begin is so right.
Yes welcome back, the poem is yet another good one and it is so great that you and your sister went down o see your dad. Family is where it’s at that is for sure.
Ann, I just had to tell you that I am listening to a John Cheever short story collection on audio here at work today. I do really like the collection. Again, thanks for sharing. Have to tell you I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday and I saw Denis’ book in the audio section, and I thought of you and just smiled, thinking I know his wife, well sort of. Or as we are fond of saying here in Chicago, thats’ my relative, kind of. Have a great day, and again, what’s up with your book?
Love the Mark Twain quote provided by Alan!
Very beautifully written Ann. Your description of waiting to get off the tarmac, the sights and sounds, made me feel like I was right there. And the wording that you used while writing about your dad, your daughter waiting up to greet you, and how good it felt to be home, is just so artistic and creative. Loved reading it.
Great posts about families…thanks everyone. I always got along much better with my dad; not so much with my mom. And then there was the teenage years with our own daughter, except that it took beyond that before things turned more positive. And how could I ever forget the in-laws? lol…even though in my case I sincerely try
Have a great time Ann and to everyone who’s going to be at Radio City. It’s a great fundraiser for a great cause. I sure am curious about this hot-tub story though…it sounds like a really hilarious one.
Now I’m thinking this blog is therapy! When I saw my thoughts written out, I was shocked at how childish it sounds. Sandy O’s entry is just what I needed.
oh Jane you have a great sense of hummor I was lucky enough to have lost my in-laws in the divorce I feel sorry for my kids they still have to see them,and I agree i to would love to know this “Hot Tub”story
Thankyou Cheryl. I know there are great in-laws and not so great ones (we obviously got the not so great ones). I admit it was hard to keep biting my tongue over the years; our daughter really enjoyed her cousins so I knew it was important to get along. But once she grew up and could visit them on her own, those days came to an end (hurrah!). Hopefully your kids will have some fun moments along the way, and if nothing else, just think of all the great “remember the time when…” stories you and your kids can share in the future
Your questions, “We try to understand each other. We both want to forgive and to be forgiven, I think, but for what? Where would we begin?” remind me of my relationship with my mom. All of my adult life we’ve had periods of not speaking to each other. (for reasons i emailed you about) Your questions hit home for me and at the moment, the past 3 months, my mom and i have had the best times. Her health isn’t the best and my dad says it’s the sense of mortality hitting her. Whatever it is, I’m grateful for these past 3 months of a seemingly normal relationship and I do believe in my heart, we’ve both forgiven each other for past hurts. That feels amazing.
The other part of your post about flying and looking out into the vastness and the colors of the clouds, reminded me of when i fly, (not my fave thing to do) and what i think about as i look out into the big wide open….
Ann, Reading your post about how active your dad is, & then that you haven’t been close actually made me cry. My Dad died 8 weeks ago, and hadn’t been active in 10 years. He was 76, but had been confined to a wheelchair for the last 5 years.
We had been close when I was younger, but as I got into my 30′s, & now 40′s, I lost the time for him. I was ‘too busy’. What a fool I was. I have many regrets, which I can never undo. I’m glad that you are working on things with your Dad. You’ll be so glad you did.