So our daughter graduates from high school this weekend. In the fall she leaves home for college.
When Devin was born, she inhaled some amniotic fluid during the delivery and was unable to breathe properly. She was rushed to the neonatal unit. Our son Jack had been very premature and spent quite a bit of time in the neonatal unit when he was born, almost two years earlier, but this baby was full-term. This was the fat baby that was supposed to be plopped onto my belly, all plump and pink. The one whose head I was going to smell and kiss, whose little fingers I would open tenderly, whose little fat knees … well, you know. The one who would be swaddled and pressed into my arms as I was wheeled back to the recovery room. Instead, she was whisked away to breathe. And because I had a caesarian, they wouldn’t let me see her all night, so I didn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep, because I couldn’t stop crying. Then when I did get to see the baby, a nurse gave me misinformation about her condition. I complained to the head nurse, sobbing and sputtering, and returned to my room and then I guess I became a little nutty. It was the morphine and the hormones and lack of sleep. I won’t go into detail here, but I became convinced that the nurse I had complained about was going to kill my baby. She was going to smother her to death! I knew exactly how she was going to do it and I called my sister-in-law, who’s a nurse, and she had a hard time understanding me, but she was able to sort out that I was in some sort of post-partum psychosis or something and she was a little alarmed, to say the least. I just wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to take her home to my son and husband but when I recovered from the delivery, a few days later, I was sent home without her. I walked into our old apartment and cried into my son’s sweet hair. But she came home, breathing properly, two weeks later and then I just never wanted to let go of her. She was a beautiful, alert infant who liked to be held all the time which worked out great because I had learned with my son, that I’m a holder. I like to hold babies. A lot. The baby cried whenever I put her down, so I just never put her down. And then, I think, I had a very happy time. I believe those were the very happiest days of my life, but I don’t know if I realized then how wonderful it all was. There was so much going on. Denis’s career was taking off, but I was only slightly aware of it because there was, for the first time ever, a sort of order to my life that I loved. Meals and outings and baths and books and puppies and then school. The move from the city to the country and more animals and then these big kids and then these young people who were so wise and funny. And all the sports and games. All their friends.
So, I’ve been a little sad this week.
This morning I decided to edit some videos we took of India and her new filly. Jenny shot a lot of video, but I edited it down to a few minutes for the blog. There’s beautiful India, ears pricked forward, neck craning so that she can see this odd creature who has caused oxytocin-induced love-surges to course through her mother’s veins. You should have heard India’s gentle, eager nickering (the horse version of cooing) to her bewildered, floppy-eared baby. The trust and gratitude of the mare when Jenny came in to check the baby and rub her dry. Then baby’s first wobbly steps. The first trip out to the paddock where the baby tried out her crazy legs. India’s protective “holding” of her baby – herding her away from the fence, away from the abutting paddock where Fitzy the curious gelding lurked. She circled the filly, herding her to the center of the paddock and then held her there where she would be safe. Right there, at the safest place, right by her side.
Well, why go on? Here’s the video. It’s dark at the beginning but you can still make out their silhouettes. If you can’t view the embedded video, click here:
Today’s essay and video are my absolute favorites. Thank you, thank you, thank you Ann, for giving so much of yourself to us every day.
Ann,
Nice Video.Congratulations Devin.
You will hold her again and again. When she leaves for college, you will cry your eyes out.But you know what? Devin will come home, maybe not as often as you would like…but she will return. You and DL did a fine job of raising your children.
I had the same experience when my son was born. The doctor couldn’t speak English very well and when he came to tell me about his condition, it sounded like he said he was very ill and not doing well. I started crying and couldn’t stop, crying so hard I could hardly breathe. Finally, the nurse came in and said he was just a little jaundice and needed the billirubin light, otherwise he was healthy. Did the same thing when the kids left home-cried like crazy. When my daughter left for her own apartment and college, I thought I was so together because I had already done this with one child-not so!! One day out of the blue, I was driving home and started crying like crazy-I had to pull over because I couldn’t drive. My husband happened to call during this time (he was in Chicago on business) and thought something horrible had happened to someone since I was inconsolible. As Rose says, they do come home, and when they do, they are a little more mature, but they also come home with all their experiences, which they choose to share with you, which makes for a very sweet and fulfilling relationship.
Your Post today Made me blub. I know how you feel
Poor you though to have that happen two very scary times when you had both your babies. You have lovely children, it is so hard to let go even for a little while…. gorgeous video… xxxx
I’ve been thinking about you and Devin, and it makes me hold Rosie tighter. Grey Gardens, baby!
Oh Ann, what a beautiful post today….blub, indeed!
There’s nothing like a mother’s love….be it human or horse.
Ann,
That video was just pure bliss (sniffle, sniffle). And with your post about Devin, it was a double whammy. It reminded me of when I left for college. My mom and I were/are extremely close and when I got on the plane (from Alaska to California) I left my mother behind. I was sobbing and so was she. I still remember the primal/deep sound in her cry as she let me go.
Must stop. Tears are a flowin’ and I have a Board Meeting in a couple of hours.
Catherine
Thank you for this video and emotional, well-written post, Ann. Death is literally surrounding me since last Friday, and your uplifting video of the newborn and her mother, added to your loving words about Devin, Jack, and Denis, are providing me with much-needed optimism regarding the human condition.
Ann, it does not seem fair that you had two very difficult deliveries, but what a great end to the story, both going to college, smart and healthy. Enjoy every second of that graduation ceremony.
I didn’t realize your second bundle of joy came with a few scary moments too. You poor thing!
It must seem difficult to believe that your baby girl is all grown up. Where does the time go? Enjoy the graduation and the summer. You have a beautiful family and each chapter in your children’s lives is a new chapter in yours – embrace it. (Keep in mind I cried when my children took their first steps… started kindergarten… graduated kindergarten…made me their first mother’s day card (which I still have)…etc. Crying is perfectly alright!!!)
The video is beautiful!
Ann, thanks for the beautiful video, and the heartrending birth story.
Betsy, nice to see you post, but sorry about the deaths surrounding you. Do take care, and isn’t it amazing how a post from Ann can lighten a mood and give solace for a little bit?
Annie
Ann -
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this beautiful video. India is a gorgeous horse, and that little one is just precious. I love their interaction and how the filly tries to keep up with India – she’s all legs! Does she have a name yet??
Have fun celebrating Devin’s graduation. Where is she going to college? Hope it’s relatively close so she can visit often.
Linda S.
Betsy, there you are! I was wondering what had become of you. SO sorry to hear you’re going through such a sad, sad time. Take care.
Ann, I also didn’t know that you did not have a completely easy second delivery. I felt so badly when I read about your first delivery….felt you were so strong and brave. I assumed you got to experience all the good stuff (leaving the hospital, baby in arms, etc.) with Devin’s birth. You share so much with us and I hope you know how admired you are by all of us. Have a wonderful weekend; bring lots of tissues.
Beautiful, and sad, story about Devin’s introduction into the world. She’s off to college, but she’ll be back and you will become closer than ever.
Beautiful video too. Too precious for words.
I witnessed a birth of sorts yesterday. I was up in Boothbay Harbor, Maine where the local shipyard delivered a brand spanking new tugboat. She was built by hundreds of men whose livelihood depends on boatbuilding. They literally stood by her with such pride as she slid into the water for the first time. She, like Devin, will spend a couple of weeks at the shipyard, being fine-tuned for her entrance into the ocean, where she’ll push a barge full of grain from New Orleans to Puerto Rico for years and years to come.
May she and Devin have calm seas ahead.
Okay, now I feel like I posted this big sob story. It was just that India reminded me of the intensity of maternal instincts when a baby is so new and vulnerable. Devin is fine and what happened to her happens to lots of babies. They aspirate stuff and get a little infection and then they’re treated and get better. But thanks all.
Aislinn, I would love to see photos or a video of that tug.
I’m firing up the Flip right now.
Ann, what a lovely and moving post today, and a delightful video! How great is that, to see India “herding” her little one to a safe spot?
Aislinn, what a neat launching into the world you shared about too! I love your wish for “calm seas ahead” for Devin and the new tug. So nicely put. May we all have calm seas ahead. : )
love the clip, the farm is lovely. Do horses sleep standing or lying down?
Candy they can sleep either way and they do. Their knees are able to lock in such a way that they can sleep standing up, but they like to lie down to have a real snooze. You won’t usually see them lying down outside unless they’re really laid back and comfortable in their environment. They’re prey animals and feel vulnerable lying down. But some people think that horses never sleep lying down and think that a horse lying flat out on its side in a field is dead, when it’s just really having a nice nap in the sun.
Since the Flip is taking forever to create the movie, here are two videos of the newest tug’s sister tug’s launch last summer. Last year they built a total of three tugs for us. These videos were taken by the shipyard workers. If you look closely enough, you might see me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXP2cbKSAFY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aX6KDZKsUjk
My previous comment is awaiting moderation. Was it something I said?
Such a great post and video. What is the name of the music in the video? Thanks for always writing such wonderful, funny, touching posts.
Dear Ann- Lovely, heartfelt and touching— thank you!!!!(And enjoy grad weekend—all of you!!!)
Dear Betsy-I am so, so sorry to hear you are going through a sad and difficult time. Please take care of yourself.(It was nice to see you posting again—I only wish it was under happier circumstances for you…)
So beautiful I wept. But then, as my mother would have once said, my tear bags have been too close to my eyes here lately. I have spent about ten days worried sick because the tumor board had recommended chemo for my breast cancer. My med oncologist today informed me that my tumor would probably not respond well to chemo and that radiation and hormone therapy would be the best way to treat it. Can’t tell you how relieved I was, and also my devoted husband, Jerry, and my four sisters, and my son. Such good news.
Thanks for the positive thoughts, Annie, Ann, and Lynne. My estranged father died last Friday (and, as with my estranged mother’s death 13 months ago, I learned through acquaintances, not family members…painful), my son’s girlfriend’s sister died suddenly today after a three-day illness, and my dear ex-husband’s wife is days, if not hours, away from losing her three-year, valiant battle with cancer. So, you can see, I’m sitting in a fairly deep pit of despair and worry. But I always check the postings here 2-3 times a day, no matter how poorly I feel. Even if I’m not up to writing, I obtain heartwarming and positive feelings from everyone here.
Ann, I echo other’s statements that none of us knew before today that Devin’s birth was so fraught with worry, fear, and anxiety. But, goodness, you and Denis raised some mighty fine young people out of those frail newborns, didn’t you? Granted, Jack and Devin have had much to say about the types of people they have become, but you and Denis provided the base genetics and loving, supportive, and fiercely loyal upbringing necessary to begin that process. Kudos to you four!! Have a lovely, weepy graduation weekend! You know, of course, that Jack and Devin will never, ever separate themselves from you and Denis for extended periods of time. Your family is that rare phenomemon of love, loyalty, trust, and support that most of us fervently wish we could experience.
(Goodness, guess I needed to chat a bit, didn’t I??…..)
The filly is such an unusual color — like a grulla, or something . . . what do you call that? I love how the baby mimics the mom with her tail shakes and leg kicks in reaction to pesky flies.
Not sure how many of you caught the video I posted of Pippi Longstocking’s foal “Locksley” at Shiloh, but it is interesting to compare the two moms and babies, and how they interact with their surroundings. Pippi herds her baby away from the fence of her enclosure too, but is completely at ease with people and dogs running around them both, and the baby is as well – that really surprised me.
Animals like people of course, are each unique. So every birth is different, and every time an individual like no other is welcomed into this world. Not experiencing motherhood myself, to me the true miracle is the creation of this unique thing. That thing will grow, and change, and become its own entity. It is my hope that each one is able to realize its full potential and the joy and happiness that comes with that. Yes, there will be pain and setbacks, but that’s life.
There is one more expectant mom at Shiloh — Vortex is huge, and looks ready to burst, so there should be video coming soon. At the rescue they never know what the baby will look like, as these moms were saved from possible slaughter, many times they don’t even know these horses are pregnant when they save them.
I may be taking a little risk myself, and getting on a mare this weekend that is sort of a badass, and hasn’t been ridden in months — we’ll see how that goes.
Aislinn, I love the video of the Lois launching — very impressive. I completely understand the excitement surrounding this sort of birth.
Again, for me not being a mom, I think I’ve found just as much gratification with my creations over the years, as mothers feel for their children. Some of you may think that is a crass, bold statement, but I’m standing by it. I’ve experienced estrangement from family, and some of it had to do with my sentimental love of things, and their eagerness to sell and profit from family heirlooms and real estate, that I felt should be preserved. My sister screamed at me once — “you love stuff more than you love people!” And my answer was — “yep, I guess I do!” It is sort of like a pet, who gives you unconditional love — who wouldn’t appreciate a beautiful thing that gives you nothing but pleasure and reassurance? People can be so hurtful . . . my projects can be difficult pregnancies too, but generally once they are born, all the suffering is forgotten, and they bring me so much joy, I’m ready to start another.
So, back to gestation.
Oh, Aislinn, that video of the new tug slipping into the water really tugged (oops, pun) at my heartstrings.Jim’s first tug boat career began on the Sheila Moran many years ago. It just brought back memories of those days. Is the Sheila still in operation?
And, so good to see the Washburn Doughty back in full swing. That area on the coast of Maine is so proud of their boat building. It was a sad day watching that fire on the news, but we knew they would be rebuilding as soon as the embers cooled.
I live not too far from there,one of our more scenic areas.
Anyway, thanks for the memories, Aislinn.
: )
Aislinn, I love the video of the launching of the new tug! I got all teary at the end, thinking of all the work those people did building her and what a proud, exciting moment it must be for them to watch her “on her own” for the first time.
Betsy, so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. Sending good thoughts for you.
Linda H., so glad that you and your family are relieved by the good news!
Annie, the Sheila Moran is still running. She’s a little younger than me…
If you’re close to Boothbay, you must live in a beautiful area!
Such beautiful videos and stories !!!
Betsy, I’m so very sorry to hear of the losses in your life recently. I know that there are many who don’t believe in prayer and I’m not opening a debate or looking to offend anyone…….but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that your life will soon know calm and serenity again. It is my way of wishing you good, peaceful wishes.
Linda H….nice to hear that radiation and hormones will be your treatment. But do know, from one who has been through it; you would have gotten through the chemo. I think we all get through whatever is thrown our way. Chemo had some difficult days, but I went to work every single day and lived my life while getting the chemo treatments. I simply did what I had to do.
Ann—get those tissues ready !!
So amazing and lovely. Thanks for sharing!!
Ann, With my daughters graduation looming I too was dragging my chin around but eventually came to realize how much my daughter has added to my life and that I should be just grateful for that and try to help her move away into the scary big world that awaits her. Hope your blues can be somewhat eclipsed by pride in the beautiful person you are about to celebrate this weekend.
Ann – your story is so heartfelt and so is this absolutely touching video. Any way, shape or form – there’s nothing like “Mom”.
Ann, now I know why you had tears in your eyes yesterday. This video did the same to me and I don’t even have a daughter graduating this weekend! Thanks for sharing!
I want to take a few moments to tell Linda Hatch how happy I am to hear that she has gotten good news regarding her breast cancer treatment. It sounds like you have faith in your doctor, and that can only help things go better for you, I am sure. I will keep good thoughts for you.
Betsy Madlem, it sounds like you have gotten more than your fair share of heartache recently, and my heart goes out to you. I had a tough time last year, and so far, this year has been much more positive for me. I will keep good thoughts for you, too.
Aislinn, I loved the tugboat video. I felt like I was witnessing a birth.
Ann,
This is a beautiful post. The way you chronicle the aftermath of Devin’s birth is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Congratulations on her graduation and best wishes on her future endeavors.
A
Vortex had her baby at Shiloh — the baby’s name is Twister! I may post a link later, but I do have to get to work. I do want to share this amazing interview with Tony Curtis, though. http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201006/tony-curtis-last-of-the-playboys?printable=true
It really speaks for itself, so there is nothing to add.
Lots of good tweets today too — for some reason I have difficulty retweeting, but Roger Ebert posted a great column in honor of John Wayne’s birthday.
I just feel so blessed (okay, I kinda hate it when people say that) to actually get to rub shoulders with guys like Tony and LQ Jones, and to be able to use their experiences in my own work.
Hi Ann, was thinking about you guys at work. I haven’t seen Devin in a while and I miss her and I decided to check your blog, and now I am welling up. Your words speak my heart too and it happens so fast and well….better get my mind back on work. Congratulations on the high school graduation of your wonderful, funny, sincere, smart, loving, openhearted, beautiful girl!!! Love that girl and you must be so proud of her!! Love Lisa
Can I assume from these posts that I am not the only one who cried through the new movie “Babies”? Actually I was the first person in line at the first showing of it at our local theater. And, like Ann, my baby is graduating next week and off to college. One thing I can’t share are the birthing stories, since I am (was? ?) infertile and my two are adopted. But I do believe the depth and fierceness of mighty maternal is the same regardless of how they come to you, that the challenges (physical, emotional, etc. etc.)they weather are multiplied inside the mother’s heart and stay there forever.
Paula, Well said.
Oh Paula, I can relate. My baby is also adopted; but I’ll bet we have our own stories to share !! And those who have not physically given birth also have “birth stories” too–of nieces, nephews, friends, puppies, kittens, ponies, and a million others…..whenever there is any kind of new life, there are stories.
A wonderful weekend to all celebrating any of life’s new chapters…
Speaking of mothers & offspring, here is a very special mom who gets a little excited during the American Idol Finale. Her son films her, and hilarity ensues — WARNING — this paragon of maternity and (dubious) virtue swears like a sailor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYX51WgSjE0&feature=youtu.be
I think she is on team Bowersox.
Congratulations to Devin and the Leary family. My son graduates in two weeks. When I look at how wonderful these kids/young adults are, it fills me with hope for the world.
Hi Ann.Enjoyed this post .I have a three year old son James who has turned my world upside down .He is the best thing that has ever happened me .I was really worried before he was born that maybe I wouldnt be a good dad or that I wouldnt be able to bond with him .I was a late starter .All my friends had their kids in their 20s and 30s but I waited until my 40s .I was used to looking out for myself and that was the way I liked it .Then I met Suzanne and that was that .Reading you post rang a lot of bells for me .The day of James birth and how after it nothing else really seemed that important anymore . Reading the line about your sons sweet hair made me smile .There is nothing in this world better than holding my son and smelling his hair .Three years ago I wouldnt have understood what you meant .Anyway we have another new arrival expected soon .James will have a new little brother within the week .Somebody said to me when James was born to enjoy every day because they dont stay for long .I hope your sadness passes quickly when you think of all the great times you have had and will have again with your kids . Remember when you say goodbye to your kids there is one thing you can always be sure of .They will always be back!
What a beautiful story Michael. Your words are eloquent and touching…and so very true of all parenthood. Good Luck with the new baby. Keep us posted !!!