Also a sensible place to keep your hands at all times
I’m taking an EMT training course. Yes, I know, I’ve been rhapsodizing a bit too much about how wondrous the human body is with all its miraculous systems and mechanisms. I guess I’m a bit sentimental and tend to see things as I want to see them sometimes, rather than how they really are. I actually grew misty-eyed recently while doing my assigned reading, thinking that it’s really nothing short of a miracle – the human body and the way that it has evolved – and I wondered how certain religious people can disdain the sciences of medicine and evolution. Can’t they see the wonder and divine sensibility of whoever or whatever masterminded this ever-evolving world and all its creatures? I was blown away by the concept that certain cells in our bodies will rush in to help an organ that is failing, just as we emergency responders will eagerly assist other members of our community who are experiencing difficulties. I sat in my class one evening and I looked around at my classmates with a profound sense of pride. What a wonderfully diverse group. Young college kids, retired people, a law-enforcement officer, a few moms, some firefighters. And of course, me. What a fine bunch. Future heroes, all of us.
This was when we were mainly focusing on how the body is supposed to work. Now we’re spending more time focusing on what we are being trained to deal with – the body when it’s malfunctioning, either due to a medical condition or trauma or both and I have to say that I’m starting to see the human physiology as some kind of cosmic joke.
What kind of Bozo designs an organism whose every cell depends upon oxygen – and then decides that all the oxygen will have just one very vulnerable and narrow route into the body. Do you all know how many things can cause an airway to start closing? Do you understand how flimsy the trachea is? Why isn’t there an alternate access for the oxygen? I mean – just throwing this out there – gills seem to work just fine for lots of species, why not us? Or, why not give one of our other orifices a second job. The anus, for example, has plenty of down time. It really spends most of the day doing nothing, why wouldn’t it have been designed to take in a little oxygen if need be? I’m not trying to be vulgar, just offering up some ideas.
Have you ever heard of the femoral artery? If punctured, it becomes a blood-spurting geyser that will drain your body of its blood supply in minutes. Instead of being tucked away in some hard to reach place, it’s at the very top of your thigh. Right in the front, where any sharp edge or pointy object can have access to it. Carotid artery? Also, very conveniently located in the throat where any knife-wielding predator or angry terrier might have access to it, and then, you know, your brain won’t get any blood and you’ll die. Whoever placed these arteries was apparently the same jokester who decided that babies should emerge from the most inconvenient part of the female body – a place that she cannot even see. And I’ll not even go into the faulty design and lack of foresight that went into the baby head/maternal cervix size ratio.
Last night we had a nice fellow from the local dispatch base teaching us about radio communications. It’s very important for first responders to remain calm while relaying information in an emergency. One must not shout or panic, as it only makes the situation worse. As the dispatcher blithely shared an anecdote about a child found beaten to death by its parent and another who was run over by a truck, I felt a rising inner hysteria. How would I be able to speak slowly using concise language in situations such as these? I’m no cool-headed first responder type. I glanced around at my classmates and instead of future heroes, I saw us as we really are. A motley assortment of feeble, jittery, know-nothings. I once left my toddler on a staircase and fled the house because a bat flew over our heads, I’m not kidding. And I’m a nervous wreck. All the time. A few weeks ago, our instructor taught us the symptoms of a panic attack and I realized that she was describing a normal, everyday, wakeful state for me. Anxious? Sweating? Racing irrational thoughts? Check, check, check. All the time.
Okay, back to my homework. Do you all know what traumatic global luxation is? No? How I envy you.
I suffered from traumatic global luxation while reading this post. It is absolutely hilarious.
It made my day.
You’re not so bad at this hero business. After all, I had a very good laugh at this post. And, apparently, this caused lots of good oxygen to surge through my bloodstream, which lowered my blood pressure. I’m wearing clothes so oxygen came through the normal portal.
And laughing burns calories! It gave the muscles of my face, chest, shoulders, stomach and diaphragm a good workout. So, yay, because now I can eat more for breakfast.
Great humorous post and you have good points, the human body is pretty amazing, how everything works together….
There are some body functions I wonder about myself.
Traumatic Globe subluxation: Eye disclocation basically
Oh, like the scene in Casino where Joe Pesci puts the guys head in a vise, and pops his eye out.
Very funny post Ann. I’ve always thought, since I was a very small child that people were ugly, as opposed to animals which I thought made much more sense physically. Our lack of body hair (well, I’ve got plenty but that’s a personal problem), and how our faces are arranged on our heads . . . we may have evolved to the top of the food chain, to attempt to control our environment, but if there is a supreme creator I can’t imagine we are in his/her image — what a jokester!
Still Ann, you and your classmates are trying to learn to help, and that is amazing — I’m completely useless in this category — but I am very, very safety minded. I’m happy to say I have never needed, or caused anyone else to need an EMT.
Hey Kim, thanks so much for helping Shiloh, you can follow them on facebook and twitter, too! http://twitter.com/Shilohhorse
I have so much fun watching the activities at the ranch via the photos, blogs, and videos, without actually having to drive out in the dust and the sun, and bother the Shiloh folks — they really have their hands full with so many animals to care for.
Mary Lynn, I hope you continue to stay careful and safe so that you have no reason to have use for an EMT and ambulance ride.
Clumsy me have had two occasions for their use. Fell down the cellar stairs and broke my shoulder, the other was a bad anxiety attack. Both very embarrassing to be in that situation. I recall one of the attendants one of the times was scared to death because the driver was going so fast, and another time I couldn’t stop being silly when I was asked the questions as to my orientation, that is, did I have a concussion or not? I remember giggling all the way to the hospital.
Anyway, great people, very thankful that they are out there.
Believe me I am extra careful now, and also know how to keep my anxiety in check and control it myself.
Take care all!
: )
Wonderful observations! To take it one step further, explore the biological factors that must all be in sync to make a baby and you’ll really be in awe that any of us are even here.
I am totally exhausted from reading the post. I need a nap or maybe a defib.
We should give that “Bozo” a big what for – the nerve.
I am sitting here eating my lunch thinking about air coming in thru my butt and not out. Interesting concept I must say. I also wish women had pouches to carry and birth babies like the Kangaroos, I just would have to think that would be a whole lot less painful. What other changes could me make?
Well, I had to go and Google the eye thing. So thanks for that.
Great post, I often what an amazing paradox the human body is, so strong yet really an accident waiting to happen (hopefully not a global luxation type accident).
I’m with you on how amazing the body is, I teach 1st year clinical to nursing students and have been told that makes me a good teacher because I get so excited about it, such a nerd!
Laughter is not the best medicine — morphine is!
I think that the Universal Sign for Choking could also be used when eyeing the price tag of a silk scarf in Bergdorf Goodman.
Does Google keep track of searches? If so, they are going to see a trend for traumatic global luxation. I learned something new today, and one never knows when one will have an eye pop out, so I appreciate the knowledge.
Ais – excellent point.
Ann, today’s post reminded me of a joke I know about engineers (planners love to make fun of engineers…and lawyers). It’s a bit risque, so those of you with extra-sensitive sensibilities might wish to stop reading now and move on.
For those who have continued this far, here’s the joke:
One evening, two engineers and a city planner engage in a deep debate (presumably over several beers), trying to decide what kind of engineer God might be. The first engineer opines that God is probably a mechanical engineer; when asked to explain this, he observes that the human body is surely a mechanical marvel, with its many and various parts working together in harmony.
The second engineer then states that, in his opinion, God is probably an electrical engineer; he explains that the body’s brain and central nervous system function much like a complex and sophisticated electrical network.
The city planner then boldly states that he has no doubt that God is a civil engineer. The two engineers look at him quizzically and press him for his rationale. His response: “Only a civil engineer would put a waste pipe in a recreation area.”
Rim shot. Exit stage left.
Alan, I loved your joke.
Good one, Alan!!
p.s I truly hope I am never, ever anywhere near a traumatic global luxation situation.
Alan…..that was great !! Can’t wait to share it with my brother the mechanical engineer and nephew the civil !! Thanks!
Alan, Excellent!
Annie — We get so many folks here in Vegas who have anxiety attacks (I’ve had a couple myself, but I didn’t seek help), I’ve observed some being treated by EMTs. You can sort of tell what is going on, because the people look otherwise healthy, are sitting up, and the EMTs are usually asking them how much they’ve had to drink, while they are taking their blood pressure, and treating them in a calm, leisurely manner. I’m not a heavy drinker, but still that is not a question I would like to have to answer. A woman had her first anxiety (not a great word — I wasn’t necessarily stressed when it happened to me — panic is no better) attack in the row in front of me on a Southwest flight out of Vegas, but I’ve probably told that story before.
Sometimes I think about how the body works, and I just have to stop. It is sort of like when I try to understand how radio, TV, telephone, internet, computers, or wifi works — I’m just never going to grasp it.
Where is everybody?
Yes, where is everybody?
Hi Ann.
Ive always loved the animal posts ,Ive even grown fond of the poetry but the EMT is the business! You could write a great comedy routine out of this stuff ( with a bit of help from Alan) Its actually really interesting as well .It amazing to watch trained people at work in an emergency situation .You could pay police ,firefighters and paramedics triple their wages and they would still be underpaid . Its not just the training though it takes a certain type of person to do these jobs . My late father was a police officer and was stabbed ,shot at ,delivered babies ect but never spoke about it .After he died we started hearing the stories . Well done to you Ann for doing the training and making us all a little more aware .
I think there is a sort of appalled silence here on the comment board in reaction to my using the word “anus” in my blog post. Wonder if I should remove it.
Of course it would help if I would post another blog. Out playing with horses all day. xo
The anus tends to get a bum rap.
Good one,Amanda. LOL
What is the “Swe…Spe?”
Sweet spot???
I am guessing sweet spot too.
Whew, I was afraid to admit I didn’t know what it was either.
Um, OK, well, I know what he’s talking about.
So, how about those Mets?
Nice weather we’ve been having.
So Ann, you were out playing with the horses all day…..
How about some new Mark shadow video’s. I just got a flip and I’m furiously trying to be creative. It’s harder for me than i thought it would be. It’s been a while since we heard about the other horses.
LOL Kristin!!
Ann, traumatic global luxation happens in dogs sometimes — and the advice is to simply “gently hold the eye against the dog’s face with a clean, wet cloth” and get thee quickly to a veterinarian. So I guess that’s what we people are supposed to do if it happens to us (well, without the “veterinarian” part — though I suppose a vet would be more helpful than your average Joe)? Or is there more we should know, while awaiting the arrival of our trust EMT crew?
Hmmm. For a second there I thought I was on Larry Flynt’s blog.
Aislinn, this evening I was reminded of the observation, “Be careful what you wish for. You might get it.”
Good one, Alan!
Okay, just did a little tidying up here.
Today I started teaching Mark a new trick. It’s a little complicated and he’s not ready to be videotaped yet. Maybe tomorrow, if it’s sunny, I’ll see if I can find Ghost Girl
BTW, did we decide on Thursday for My Antonia? Because if we did I have to reschedule AGAIN! We have to go to some Producer’s Guild thing in NYC. What about Tuesday?
As in the following Tuesday, June 1, or four days from now?
I vote for the former, as then I can finish the book while luxuriating in my cabana* over Memorial Day weekend. (*on the Adirondack chair in my backyard)
We want Ghost Girl! We want Ghost Girl!
Or I could buck up and finish it this weekend. Either is fine. : )
Aislinn, Larry Flynt DOES have a blog! Eeeww. (how did you know that?) I took a peek but think I’ll be sticking to Ann’s blog.
Amanda, I didn’t know. Honest! But now that you’ve mentioned it, I’ll sneak a peek. Be right back…
EEEWWWWW….there is a Larry Flynt blog !!! Just the thought is too disgusting to me for words. But Arliss…..I too knew what Swe Sp…..meant. I could blame it on my middle school students ( but you’d never believe me anyway )…so, let’s talk baseball; I’m a Mets and Red Sox fan living in NJ..the world of the Yankees. It’s not always easy….sigh.
I better go and hurry up with the book. Every time the date has changed, I’ve put it down. Need to just finish it already!
Oh no….I think we lost Aislinn to Larry Flynt.
Aislinn? Aislinn? Hullo…………….?
Well I’m sure Aislinn’s just introducing herself to the gang over there and will be back with us soon.
Aislinn, if you can hear us, don’t sit on the toilet seats
Hey everyone…sorry to be late to the party. Crazy day…you don’t even want to know!
Things have calmed down. The husband is home from flying the great skies…and Brody the Wonder Dog is having a sleep over with his girlfriend, a Labordoddel.
Before anyone panics, let me just say, we never let our son have a female sleep over guest while he was still living at home.
But with Brody and Opal it’s a little different. For one thing, they have both had the big SNIP SURGERY. My son has not. With Brody and Opal, happiness is found in chasing each other around the back yard, then collapsing on our bed, to fall into a deep sleep.
This has never happened with our son and his various girlfriends.
The kids may have tossed a football, and played in our swimming pool, but the end result was never, ever, the desire to come konk out in bed with Mom and Dad.
And I guess the biggest difference is, we really love it when the dogs are content, and stretched out at our feet, and it just wouldn’t be the same with a couple of 19 year old kids. Really. It wouldn’t.
So goodnight my friends, and may tomorrow find us all in a better place.
And oh yes, can we please wait to do My Antonia until a week from Tuesday? I’d really like to participate, and I’m not sure what the next week will bring.
As Scarlett says; …..and tomorrow is another day. Yup.
I’m back! I wandered over to Larry’s blog, read a snippet or two, then had to jump on to the Disney site for a quick detox. I am now realigned and all is right with the world. Yeesh.
yeah Aislinn is back….!
Ps, I am around just quietly…. Dad is not too well( virus i think)…mum follows me around the house… not much time to myself…. It is 6.30 am and i am sneaking in a litle blog while nobody is stirring…ooops spoke too early…I hear footsteps…..Well off to get ready to see my middle child Graduate college… Hope i don’t cry too much….. sniff xxxx
Reading through all the posts – just can’t get it out of my mind – going out on a limb I know but I believe that Ghost Girl is really Pippi Longstocking. You might not agree but there I’ve said it which brings me to yet another mind boggling thought – “what if the Hokey Poke IS what its all about?”. Yup – think about that one.
That should keep you guys busy for awhile. I was very in my own head this morning.
Ann-Once again, a great post!AND you have the most original book club excuse of anyone(re:the Producer’s Guild thing in NYC!)My lame excuse is that I just didn’t get it read in time…
Bev-Have a not-too-teary time today at what is a very big deal of an occasion (and I hope your dad is feeling better!)
Aislinn-Sooo glad you are back! Was it scary? Did the Disney detox work or will you need further debriefing?
Cynthia in Westchester-You are hilarious!
Ann-I am late posting because “Traumatic globe luxation” almost made me swoon (and not in a good way!). I admire you so much working toward becoming an EMT…I don’t think I would make it through the first class!
Have a good weekend, everyone!
Okay how about My Antonia Thursday, June 3rd?
Wonderful post Ann! So good I decided to print it out for my neighbor. I was swooning about you and this blog to her as we were out having tea. I told her, as I have said before, that I always find a piece of myself when I come here.
Talking about the panic attack thing was funny because here I am at 2:35 am because I can’t sleep. Worrying about my son’s grades. Someone tell me that a D in 6th grade Language Arts doesn’t mean he’ll be living with me and my husband when he’s 30. Please oh please.
So I came here expecting puppies, ponies and poetry, something lovely and calming, and what do I get? Traumatic global luxation.
Thanks a bunch, Ann.