The story you are about to read is true. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, the guilty, the insane or the annoying.
Saturday. June 19, 2010. Dog Detective Ann Leary on duty.
Time: 0920. Incident: Loaf of bread reported stolen from countertop in an occupied residence. Suspect: Blonde labradoodle who was spotted loitering in area where bread was last seen. Owner of bread, 18-year-old female, reports that she left room for several minutes and when she returned, bread and suspicious dog had disappeared. No noticeable signs of forced entry to home, but deciding to investigate further, I discover that “doggie door” is still flapping. Suspect intercepted on lawn, dividing loot with her shifty-eyed conspirators – a large red mongrel and a juvenile terrier. All are apprehended. Victim is considering civil suit to cover cost of emotional damage to her soul. She was forced to have an english muffin instead of toast. Case pending.
Time: 1142. Incident: Numerous reports of dog harassing a horse. Upon arrival at barn, I find large red mongrel shouting insults at black horse. Horse is trying to ignore the verbal assault which seems to enrage mongrel who escalates her barrage of insults. Red dog cited for disrupting peace.
Time: 1337. Incident: Receive call from a Detective Julie Klam in New York City. Abused pit bull dog found tied to tree in Washington Heights. No room at NYC shelters except city pound which will euthanize. Detective Klam explains that “euthanize” means kill. She speaks slowly and uses simple words. “I went to college, too,” I inform her. I hear Officer Klam choking with mirth. They’re all the same these city dog detectives. Think they’re so smart with all their book learning and their artsy movie houses and their street “cred.” Detective Klam offers to transport dog to CT. Some people will do anything for a few hours of overtime. Officer Klam and I agree that my department will offer refuge to pit bull until he can be placed in a permanent home or at a no-kill shelter. I give her directions and prepare for dog’s arrival.
Time: 2105. Officer Klam arrives with her partner, Officer Leo. They release abuse victim, “Morris”, from back seat of car. Morris is an adult male. He begins to urinate as soon as he has all four paws on driveway. We officers discuss his rescue. We discuss the dog’s future. We discuss the weather, and the traffic on the drive up. Morris continues to urinate. We discuss astrology and exchange our childbirth stories and admire photos of each others’ children. Morris is still weeing, glancing up at us apologetically from time to time. We admire each others’ badges. Finally, after approximately ten minutes, Morris decides to change it up. His spine, which had been inverted dramatically during the lengthy urine drainage, is now humped and seizing. He has diarrhea. He begins the diarrhea release on the driveway and in a show of startling athleticism, he is able to move, humping and squirting, to the newly planted flower bed 20 feet away. There he decides to turn the fecal output into a fine spray.
Time 2330: Morris has finally finished voiding his bowels. Officer Klam reports that she had given Morris three cans of Alpo prior to transport. She and Officer Leo pretend that this wasn’t a practical joke. Morris is settled into his crate for the night and Officers Leo and Klam start their drive back to the city. Morris whines and I choke on a sob as their tail lights disappear from view. It’s lonely, sometimes, being a country dog detective. I had taken a shine to officers Klam and Leo, despite their slick city ways, but now…now they were gone.
Stay safe officers Klam and Leo. Perhaps we’ll meet again on another case. Until then, this is Officer Leary, signing off.
“One-Adam 12, One-Adam 12, we have a report of a seriously funny blog entry already in progress. Suspect is described as a white woman in her 40′s with long blond hair and a mischievous sense of humor claiming to be some sort of Dog Detective. She is unarmed but, if provoked, could become extremely silly. Please investigate further.”
“Ten-four on that.”
That was hilarious! I needed a good laugh and have been waiting to hear Morris’ story since last weekend. Three cans of Alpo?? What was she thinking!!! Lol!
Nice work, detectives.
Ryker’s Island for the lot of them, I say.
Take the rest of the day off and have yourselves a doughnut on me.
That was pretty funny although poor Morris, I sure hope he finds a good home!!!
Absolutely hilarious!! I love it! (Alan, you too!)
And dear Morris … I hope things settle down for the poor guy … internally as well as home-wise.
Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!! Book em Dano….. sorry that’s all i can say ..I only watched that and Starsky and Hutc, when i was growing up in Ole Blighty
ps….. Ann you are an amazing storyteller!
ps I dropped the “H” cause i wanted to……. either that or my key keeps sticking……..;)
ps.. I dropped the “H” of hutch cause i wanted to…….. well alright my key sticks..but same thing.
Just to briefly interrupt the scheduled programming, I have to share this: Our next-door neighbor called just now to say that a bear walked up her driveway and is headed for our back yard.
Yeah, that’s right … a bear. A cousin of the ursine marauder that recently tormented the Learys, perhaps?
Where is Dennis with his cigarette and coffee cup when we need him?
I am totally not letting the dogs out tonight. Updates will be forthcoming if necessary. Now if I can only locate the can of wasp spray …
Now, back to tonight’s episode of Dog Detective, where we left intrepid Officer Leary ready to sniff out another case … once she’s done cleaning up her flower bed.
Three cans of Alpo? Book ‘em Leary!!
Sign off my eye, I want the rest of the story, where is Morris now, did you keep him? Where does he go from your house? Does he still have the sh*ts?
Arliss, Horrors! Whatever you do, don’t throw a jar of honey out the window. I know that was probably your first instinct, but I hear that bears love the stuff. I know I read it somewhere. I think his name was Winnie. Does that ring a bell? Ask Madeleine. She’ll know.
Are you sure this wasn’t for that show “Punk’d”? Did Ashton Kutcher show up at the end? I can’t wait for the next episode!
Funny you mention it Aislinn, but that was my first impulse: lure him from the backyard with a jar of honey. As devoted fans of one particularly stout and kindly bear with a Very Small Brain (name of Pooh), we in our household know well that they love the stuff.
Very funny, Amanda — yeah, it does sound like an episode of “Punk’d”!
Arliss, perhaps the bear in your neighborhood is wearing a collar and necktie and a porkpie hat? If so, then simply set out a “pick-a-nic” basket and point him in the direction of Jellystone Park. He is apparently lost and far from home.
Joe Friday would be proud. Excellent work, gumshoe.
Well, I fell in love today with the just about the prettiest horse I’ve ever seen — a gorgeous buckskin paint, with a long beautiful mostly white mane, and a black forelock.
Her owner had a busy day, and I didn’t have time to ride her — but I did get to spoil her with carrots and apples, and lead her around and groom her. She decided to test me a little and spook in the arena, but it didn’t bother me. Sometimes horses spook for absolutely no reason, and the trick is to remain calm, while keeping a firm grip, and reassuring the horse that everything is okay.
She was very good while I groomed her and when she realized I wanted to clean her hooves, she picked up each hoof for me, I didn’t even have to touch her.
Her owner and I had an indepth discussion about whether “Whoa” or “Ho” was the proper command to ask her to come to a stop. We were both “Ho” people, but the mare had been trained to “Whoa” (“Ho” he was told was for Santa Claus) so we agreed to try to stick to “Whoa”. That led to a discourse on “clicking” or “kissing” — to encourage forward movement. We are both clickers, but the kiss again was favored by her former trainers.
Meanwhile, the beautiful mare went to sleep, probably bored by people talk, and couldn’t even be bothered to put her ears forward for a short photo shoot.
Before I left I gave her two small apples (cut in bite size pieces) so she would remember me, and admired her shiny spotted coat that was bright golden copper irridescence in the hot Vegas sun.
Sigh.
I just realized we need a new book for the chat club. Hmmmm.
Oh, and Julie Klam was truly heroic on Saturday, I was just making fun. Morris is at The Simon Foundation, a WONDERFUL shelter in Bloomfield, CT which I will blog about in the next few days. Morris is a very lucky boy that Julie found him and he ended up there. Will keep you all posted.
As for books, I’m partial to the classics — it has been a long, long time since I’ve read “Lolita”. Just sayin’.
I think that in honor of Detective Klam, and her heroic efforts to save Morris, we should put “You Had me at Woof” on our next book chat. We can munch on Alpo while we chat.
That’s just my suggestion, as a Housewoof of CT.
Ann, you never shared the new name for the blog yet.
Today’s blog will have me laughing all day! Perfect way to start a Wednesday. I see a children’s book series here.
Love love love this! I’m very happy for Morris.
Ann I would enjoy a book of Country Dog Detective.
Ann, that was a terric detective story. The “red mongrel” really deserves her own breed, like the labradoodle. I’m not sure if the Labradoodle is considered an official breed.
I took JB to a bustling place that is for an upscale shopping center that has a circus like atomsphere. The area concentrates on hauteur (did I get that right? – sounds alot like haughty. Burberry, Versace, Armani, grace the place. Stores such as Rite Aid or Walgreens do not exist there. Upscale restraunts aplenty.
There are pecularities about JB, he never relieves himself outdoors, only in the planter of our backyard. He would rush to the backyard after an extended walk and urinate enough to make you worry about his bladder. While in the posh shopping area, Jack was suddenly striken with the nastiest case of soft stool and diarherra (I don’t use the word often, hence the erroneous spelling). JB always draws attention, at 6 mths he is a handsome puppy. I saw people’s smiles turn to to terror, their hands flew over their mouths. – To keeping from vomiting? Fortunately I was so stunned I was not embarassed. I walked into a restaurant, to the head waiter, explained JB had a big accident and I need plastic bags, paper towels, cleaning agents, and a scrubbing brush. He was very sympatheic. Who’s says LA isn’t a friendly town. I brought no doggie bags (slap wrist) because JB has never needed them. I then proceeded to the task of cleaning up unsightly dog sh*t. I dropped down on my hands and knees to scrub piles and piles of Jack’s big stinking expulsions from the pavement.
There is nothing like scrubbing large piles of dog stool in a densely populated place, in front of hundreds that reinforces one’s sense of humility.
Gloria
A work of art!.. and a juvenile terrier….. I love it..
Seriously, Ann, is there nothing you can’t do???? Very funny posting. It provided much needed chortling and guffaws. But my sympathies go out to poor diarrhea-plagued Morris. Is he feeling better now?
Ann,, you are a great Jack Friday.. just the fact’s ma’am.
Gloria, Poor little JB. Best not to take him for a stroll on the red carpet just yet.
What a great story . . . until I came to the part about the illicit use of Alpo. Alpo is Satan for dogs. They will gobble it down and miserably pay the piper for hours after. Office Klatt may need to be slapped with/or by a miss demeanor for that one.
Mary Lynn – is this the horse you are thinking of buying? sounds like a perfect match. when working with our thoroughbreds, they don’t spook for no reason. They see dead people, just FYI.
Hi Aislinn,
Your name is so pretty, unusual too. JB’s doing great. I’m the one who clipped her fingernails as soon as I got home. Having some kind of feces on one’s hands while gardening is getting back to Mother Nature. Getting puppy sh*t on your hands while scrubbing it off the pavement of an upscale and crowded area is another. Took the car to the carwash. A walk in the dog park next time.
Gloria
Gloria
Gloria — Great story — that will learn ya to carry doggie doo doo bags, or to stay out of hoity toity shopping centers where the elite meet to shop and eat (though the waiter seemed to be very understanding and accomodating). I have to say the people in my apartment complex are very good at keeping their dogs on leashes when they walk them, and using the doo doo bags that are on side wall of the mail area.
Colleen — I think I mentioned a buckskin reining mare that was on craigslist and was dropping in price to a ridiculously low sum. She had great breeding, and even though I know I should NOT EVER own another horse (I just don’t have the finances, resources, etc. PLUS I have the worst luck with lameness, colic, all the frustrating, high dollar stuff that can go wrong with equines), I did make an appointment to test drive her. Anyways, when I called to confirm the date, she had just been sold. She did go to a young lady about my size (5 feet, 100 lbs), and her new stall was alongside an old buddy horse of hers. So basically, she got a good home, which I was happy to hear. I did ask the seller to contact the new owner and let her know that if she needed help I would be interested in leasing, but I didn’t get a response.
Anyways, this new horse is buckskin/paint reining mare that the owner needs help exercising. I don’t know if he will pick me yet . . . but I’m happy that she will be moving in about a week to one of the best stables here in Las Vegas, that has actual (green) pastures for the horses to hang out in. I have mentioned before that it pains me to see most of the horses here stuck in pipe corrals standing in dirt and unbearable heat in the summer.
Her owner mentioned that she seems to be wary of a “boogey man” over by the fence, so umm . . . maybe she sensed the presence of ghost girl’s long lost cousin — gamblin’ ghost guy.
So you’re right Colleen — I guess there is always a reason, we just don’t know what it is.
Horses do have a sixth sense, “horse sense” I guess.
I was actually thinking that I was tiring of Twitter — that is until NotBurtReynolds started taking questions tonight. Okay, I think I’m love for the second time in as many days — does that even make sense? I’m still just figuring Twitter and Facebook out, and I’m not going to retweet the whole Q & A, but here is his twitter page http://twitter.com/NotBurtReynolds
And my Twitter page — http://twitter.com/MLCabrall
I guess in my wildest dreams I would have a three-way (Q&A of course) with NotBurtReynolds, NotKennyRogers, and oh hell, I’m gonna be greedy and hope for NotJakeOwens and Mickey_Rourke as well — I’m sick, really sick.
Crime scene photos and mugshots were needed.
What do you think—a contest to see who involved is the victim,the guilty, the insane and the annoying?? Lots of suspects fit each category…….