(i carry it in my heart)” e.e.cummings
Maybe it’s because I had a bit of a rough time becoming a parent in the first place. Maybe it’s because, for reasons that defy conventional laws of probability or psychology or even the luck of the draw, my husband and I have been blessed with two wonderful, beautiful, wise, caring, funny, creative, hard-working ….oh, enough. Suffice it to say that we have two great kids and yesterday we dropped the youngest off at her college and it was a very exciting day for all of us, and also a little sad.
Dropping her off isn’t the best way to describe what happened, as it sounds like we sped past, slowing down just long enough to deposit her and her bags at the curbside and then raced off. In fact, we drove there rather slowly and got lost, even though it’s not a terribly long drive from our house. We were just all a little nervous, I think. And we had formed a sort of caravan which always makes for a tricky drive. Devin and I led the way (she drove, I gave bad directions), followed by Jack in one car and Denis in a third car. It’s not that she had so much stuff, it’s just that that we all wanted to take her and then afterward, we were all heading off in different directions.
We finally found the school, and as we drove through the gates and all the welcoming older students cheered hellos and guided us to her dorm, I saw a slow, confident smile come across her face. She was driving. I think that was important, that she drove us into her new life – an adult now, she our guide, and we her temporary passengers.
I thought about the first time she drove off down our driveway without me. I thought about the first time I left our older son, Jack, with a babysitter for the first time, and then about the day we dropped him off at college. It feels, when you first leave a child, like the ground drops out from beneath you for a minute, like you’re suspended, floating in space; the umbilicus that once anchored you to something solid and real, severed, once again, leaving you grasping for something. A hand-hold, I guess. You can’t help but think of the little hand you used to hold.
Well, it was what what they call a “bittersweet” time, yesterday. A young woman who has worked very hard to learn enough facts and information to be admitted to her favorite college is going on to learn who she really is. So, we helped her get started. We helped her set up her bed and her room. We accompanied her to the office where she received her meal card and then we had lunch with her in the dining hall and talked about how nice her roommates seemed. Her brother set up her alarm clock and ran out to get her a power strip and other dorm necessities that we hadn’t thought of. Her father, full of nervous energy, helped people move stuff, asked people if they needed help moving stuff, then moved more stuff. I helped her make her bed. Last week, she and I had bought one of those foam mattress pads and a quilted mattress cover. We put these on the hard dorm mattress and covered them with the sheets we had bought. Then we hung her clothes, decorated her bed with cheery pillows, placed her framed photos of her friends, her dogs, us, on her dresser. And then there was nothing left to do. She walked us to the car. She said goodbye. Then she turned and walked into that big brick dorm. The dorm is quite imposing. The entrance is arched and fortified with massive slabs of carved stone, like the gateway to a fortress or a cathedral, and even though the doors were propped open, we couldn’t quite see inside from where we stood, though we tried. I wanted her to look back as she walked away, and I didn’t want her to. She didn’t. She walked up the steps and through the great doors and then it was time for us to go.
Lovely. Sad. My parents dropped me in Saratoga and couldn’t speak the entire drive home, I later found out.
Nice story…It must be, as you say, “bittersweet” guiding your children into adulthood, letting them fly on their own. You just have to trust, I guess, that you did everything to prepare them as well as you could and that the lessons they have yet to be learned will come without too much pain, stress or sadness. They are in the drivers seat now, sit back and enjoy the ride!
Boy, did this bring back memories! Different college, parents, and daughter but same feelings. Now my daughter is out of college, living in another city, and I still miss her. Gotta let them go but, oh boy, it stings. Congratulations on a job well done.
I got a little teary-eyed reading your post. My children start school next week. The little guy is starting middle school; so I’m a bit nervous for him and my daughter is in high school. I know when she goes off to college I will be crying my eyes out. Yesterday I took out one of their baby photo albums and smiled, but wondered where the years went…and how quickly. What an exciting time for Devin, but as you said, bittersweet. Hang in there Ann.
Touching. I found the statement, “she our guide, and we her temporary passengers” exceptionally poetic.
Best wishes to her and you!
My first born is starting kindergarten next Monday. Part of me can’t believe that he’s old enough to go and part of me wonders why he doesn’t have a job yet. Time goes by so much faster for me now, but I’m loving every moment.
That was beautiful….my sentiments are exactly the same as Jann. My daughter also lives and works now in another state; I am both so proud of her and miss her so much every single day. Such a jumble of emotions. I guess my mother was right-it never gets easier.
so beautiful, ann. i never asked my parents what it was like to drive away that first time, and i was too busy being excited about my independence. thanks for your perspective – really thought provoking and tender.
Oh Ann, I’m happy and sad for you at the same time. What a range of emotions you must be feeling right now.
Ann, sad post today. I wish I could say something really profound, but I can’t think of anything. You’ll be alright, but for now, hug your dogs and horses.
The memories just flooded back with your touching post. The first time we dropped the oldest son off in Madison, I cried. The second son was dropped off at UW-Whitewater the next year, I cried. The youngest, and only girl, was dropped off right down the road from us at UW-Milwaukee, I cried. The sons have graduated and the daughter is starting her senior year, but the feeling is the same-you will always miss them no matter how grown-up they are and no matter where they live.
It’s OK Mom…You and DL raised two wonderful children. This is just another chapter in Devin’s life that you will look back on with pride.
My “baby” starts high school next week..(Sniff sniff)
Xo
Awwwwww……that’s one of the days I’m already dreading, even though my son is only 4 1/2 years old. Thank you for sharing, and I love that you all went as a family to help her settle in. You seem a very close family and distance won’t change it.
Thanks to the wonderful world of the internet.
Touching story, one similar that plays everytime my daughter Alaina, go’s back to school. Happy to have her home again for alittle while and to have the chance to learn something new about her, knowing their is a halo around her that only, (we can see). Back to school now, we sit at home with a big hole inside us not really wanting life to fill it back up, then the phone rings, MOM!!!!!!
I love this piece, Ann. So sad, so true, so perfectly written. Made me feel like the ground had dropped out from under me, just reading it, when I think of my Ben leaving, in the not-too-distant future.
I had a hard time reading the end of this as my eyes blurred with tears. Hugs, Ann.
The title alone (and the cumming line itself) just slay me. Perfect, beautiful. Thanks for sharing this.
Ann, like everyone else has said, this is a very sweet post. And, as others have pointed out, a “life moment” shared by others. I only wish I had the good fortune of such a sweet and heartfelt good bye when my mom dropped me off at college. Looking back I wish she would’ve opened the door, shoved me out, and waved as she drove off. Instead, I have memories of an emergency room visit. My mom is a very nervous and excitable person. Sometimes it’s difficult to find my pulse. By the time she had ordered and arranged my room and greeted everyone up and down my dorm hall, I was covered in hives. I told her she had to go because I needed to recover before classes started.
Nothin’ but warm wishes and good luck and hive-free days to you and Devin and the rest of the Leary clan!
You have brought all the emotions to the surface for me that I have been feeling this summer, but didn’t necessarily recognize. My one and only started his last year of high school yesterday. The thought of him graduating and moving on to college brings tears to my eyes. How do you let go? Most importantly, how can I possibly have a child almost 18? It seems like I was 18 only yesterday.
Beautiful post, Ann. Thank you.
I am bojooing…. and this is a public place, and this is NOT menopause… it is a bittersweet experience and then some. You write beautifully.
How is Denis handling this? I ask because my dad (the stoic one) had a harder time with my drop-off than my mom (the crier) when I went away to college.
Oh Colleen, what a wonderful story !!! Memories just the same! I don’t have any “move in” memories of my college experience–I was a commuter at Seton Hall when it was primarily a commuter school…..in fact, I didn’t even have to be away from my parents at school–my dad taught there !! The first week of classes, every time attendance was taken, I had all these heads turned in my direction….I wanted to wear a shirt that proclaimed “yes, I’m his daughter” ! But college was a wonderful, growing experience as I’m sure it will be for Devin and all of our children. Good Luck to the whole family…
Blubbering like a fool, that poem makes me think of my Conor. I miss him so much. I know Jack will be going back next. I have to ask but do not mean to pry, is Devin going to be another Leary writer?
I’ve been looking forward to this post, Ann, as I knew it was coming. Beautifully written and left me with a lump in my throat as I remember that day many years ago of dropping off my one and only. We did all the same things you and your family did that day. It seems like yesterday.
What a lucky girl Devin is, to have such a loving family to get her settled at college. It seems like only yesterday we were reading about Devin driving off for the first time in her Mom’s car. It is lovely to be included in these milestones.
With this scene to be repeated in exactly four weeks with my Nick I found this a very moving piece. Arches and gates just get me. He took me to his school last week and pointed to his room in the dorm. This is really the beginning of their own life. We have had a summer of either being velcroed to each other or like repelling magnets. He’s definitely testing his wings. I have lined up a dozen ‘projects’ because undoubtedly there will be a huge void moving around the house starting in Oct.
So has it really sunk in today that you have an empty nest? I can’t even imagine what it must feel like. My daughter is turning 13 in two weeks and I have felt this slight shift in the dynamics of our relationship. (Her not needing me as much and me not wanting to let go). Crazy, stressful times that will go by in the blink of an eye! I’m so not ready for this next chapter in our lives. Wish we could turn back time for just a little bit longer! Sounds like you have done a fantastic job and can be confident in the young woman that she has become!! Now go celebrate!
Sounds like you have done a fantastic job and can be confident in the young woman that she has become. My daughter is turning 13 in two weeks, we are just starting the journey towards leaving the nest. It is killing me, how did we get to this point so fast? Wishing I could turn back time for just a little while longer!
Didn’t mean to comment twice. Guess that’s what happens when you hit “post” 2x. Can’t find the delete button either. Slightly technically challenged over here! Sorry
Nice writing Ann, reads like a page from a favorite novel.
My son starts 1st grade next week. It is the first time he will be in school for a “full day”. He is my only one and as I read this post I was tearing up just thinking about how fast college will be here. I’m sure your daughter will love college!! Thanks for sharing the story.
For me the graduation was far more tear-inducing than the leaving him for the first time in his campus apartment for the start of freshman year at UCI. Then when he graduated from med school neither his father nor I could hold it together. It’s hard to believe one can be so joyful in a flood of tears. Such mixed emotions involved in parenting.
Worst. Gutwrenching. Been there, done that — no words to describe how painful it really is. Go hug your favorite horse and cry in his mane. I have found no better substitute. I feel for you. Jip
I love this post. I am vacationing with my dauther and granddaughter and dreading the end of the week when we have to go back home .. and I will carry them in my heart.. hugs to you Ann
I’m dealing with this myself right now, but I’m not doing a very good job. I thought if I blogged about it it would help me “process” – um, no. Instead I’m just sad reading the comments people leave behind. Hugs to you and yours, Ann. I hear it gets easier…
I am single, no kids, but a teacher of preschool age children. At the beginning of each school year, on the first day of school, I watch as parents bring their little ones to the classroom to leave them there for the first time. I see lots of tears, I even get teary eyed, just as I did reading your post. Letting go is hard, you’ll get your breath back.
So beautifully written.
Dear Ann, Thank you.
Thanks Ann for sharing. You are such a beautiful writer. The relationship you have with your children is so special. Teary-eyed in CA now….
First let me say that, Ann, you can rock the EMS look! Secondly, thank you for sharing. My oldest is starting high school and I am so dreading that day 4 years from now. My baby is only 6 years old (my 2nd is 11)so I’ll be doing the taking them to college thing for a long time.
I hope you recover and don’t miss her too much! She is obviously a lovely young woman and I will be anxious to hear about how well she is doing.
I am at a loss for words to adequately explain why this piece – and everyone’s responses to it – touched me so deeply. Thanks to Ann and to you, my fellow blogmates, for sharing.
Amidst the sadness and tears, this article will perhaps bring a smile to your faces:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/23/education/23college.html?_r=1&ref=education
One of many milestones . . .
I’ve never put much stock in a college education — but that could just be sour grapes. My cousin graduated some kind of cum laude from Yale. Yippee for him!
Okay, I shouldn’t do this — but I’m going to — because someone might learn a valuable lesson. You see, my cousin’s daughter wrote this –
http://wizbangblog.com/content/2007/09/17/maybe-dumbest-thing-ever-written-on-the-interwebs.php
Maybe the dumbest thing ever about dropping a kid off at college — enjoy.
So that Idris Leppla is not taken out of context, here is her post –
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1897875/posts
You be the judge.
Oh Idris–such a fool !! I have no desire to enter into a political discussion, but she has truly missed such a glorious opportunity to burst with pride for her brother. And I say that as a bursting with pride sister of a 1980 graduate of the United States Naval Academy. Until his sudden death on July 11, he proudly served this country as a member of the Navy and the Naval Reserves having been assigned to and serving at the Pentagon on Sept 11, as well as the Joint Chiefs of Staff,in addition to his research work on bio-terrorism. His career was fulfilling and gratifying to him.
I’m so sorry to rant on here; that post struck a nerve that is still so very raw for me. She must be living under a rock not to know that the USNA is naval officer training—as well as the Marine Corps.
Barbara — How do you think I feel? This is my cousin’s daughter (which is my cousin once removed?). It is horrifying to think I am related to this girl!
Suffice it to say, I’m not close to my cousin, or his son and daughter. Growing up, my mom called him a ‘pompous ass’, and I’m afraid she wasn’t too far off the mark. Unfortunately, it looks like one of the apples didn’t fall too far from the tree.
We do have a history of military service in my family — my grandfather was a Navy doctor, my other cousin was Air Force, my niece completed basic training last year, and my uncle died in WWII. They may not have known exactly what they were getting into, but they didn’t sign up so that they could gain entree to Wall Street.
Maybe I’m being too hard on Idris (my dear grandmother’s name, who was a wonderful woman) — maybe she is ‘finding herself’. She needs to find herself a clue.
We should all be very proud of the brave men and women who choose to serve this country — whether they go to elite academies or whether they go to boot camp.
I’m not very political myself, I’m not into war at all, but I do appreciate when someone makes an ultimate sacrifice so that I don’t have to.
What a sad yet proud time for you and Denis. You have a way saying saying things that touches me deeply. Your lovely story has made me weepy, although for a less conventional reason. Tissue please! I’ll share more later after I get a grip…
Very sad. Same feelings with my son. I missed him terribly for weeks, but it did get easier because he adjusted so well and was happy.
Actually we had quite the experience dropping him off. We were on I-84 heading to the school and got stuck in traffic.
My car got rear ended and the person who hit me tried to get away. I followed him and forced him to pull over. Called the police, he was arrested, and taken away handcuffed.He was a fugitive and was fleeing from the accident because of prior arrest warrants.
Anyway we continued to the school, and of course I was a nervous wreck, but it certainly was a distraction.
Ann, you’re in my thoughts today. I imagine that was how my mom felt when I moved out, and it reminds me how strong the bond is between a mother and her children. I hope I feel the way you do when I send our future kids off to college – then I’ll know I’ve done a good job.
Sending you hugs!
Way to go, Karen!
lovely essay Ann–
You reminded me that I really did not mean it last night when I told my suddenly sullen 14 year old that I can’t WAIT for him to laeave for college! (and that he was not going to be accepted at a college if he did not study for his math test…)it all passses too quickly.
Oh god, Ann, three days out and I am sobbing at your post.
NYC tomorrow — and then it begins for us.
At least we know we were very adequate parents or else this moment could never happen.
Counting the days until “parents weekend”. And wondering what my own new life is gonna look like.
Take good care of yourself — don’t underestimate the hugeness of this transition.
Xoxo
Much love,
Vennie
Ann, a colorist (see tweets) is NEVER going to let you go grey — that would sort of eat into their income.
I encourage everyone to check out a little thing called ‘Nice & Easy’ and donate the money saved to your favorite animal rescue.
Here’s how it works. You mix the stuff, put in on your hair, wait, rinse, use the conditioner they give you, and rinse again.
It works great! For Ann I would suggest selecting a lighter blonde shade, that will lighten your darker natural color, and your greys will become a beautiful highlight. It is that simple, and I guarantee the results will rival anything a colorist can do.
If you want to go natural with natural grey, you should color your hair a shade pretty close to whatever your eyebrow color is, and then let nature take its course.
I love my natural grey hair. I have a sort of streak that is pretty cool. I love grey and black anyways — it constitutes at least 80% of my wardrobe, so why not be salt and pepper up top to match?
Yes, sometimes I look in the mirror and see my mother – but it doesn’t make me look older, it just makes me look the age I am. . . which is older — but so what?
Ladies, you should consider reclaiming your lives, and let go of any hang-ups (okay, I’m dating myself with that word) you have over your appearance. The fact is, nobody (other than you) cares about how you look. Really. And on the rare exception that they do, do you really even want to know these people that would judge you in such a superficial way?
Ann, – I work at her college and if she needs anything – tell her to call Jody in Admissions, will you? She’ll be GREAT. It’s a wonderful environment, an amazing place. She will bloom there. for sure! Don’t worry.
Lovely essay. You have me crying into my granola here in Massachusetts…my 15 year old is at driver’s ed class this morning.
Aaaaahhhhh…..I carry your heart. A week and 1/2 ago my beautiful, sassy, smart, loving daughter got married! She married a wonderful guy who really loves her…
She is my baby of 3 married children. Born 6 weeks early with blond fuzzy hair, looking like Woodstock, she grew to be one of the most fabulous, spirited
women I know. Her sister spoke at her wedding, and at the end of her touching toast that left me like mush, she recited the poem…I carry your heart. Away on her honeymoon for 2 weeks with no communication, I find myself reliving my life with her..my sweet one. Though there are tears, my pride in what she has become is what makes me grin. My job is done.
Ann, this is so beautiful! And thanks, too, for Pied Beauty, which is also one of my favorites. That break when it feels like the whole world is holding its breath before–Praise him…I’m gonna watch the Franzen trailer now. xoxo
My son isn’t even three yet and I cried when I read this! Thanks.
sniff.. and I have nine more years to go until this happens to my one and only daughter.
“time flies” is a terrific understatement.
Thanks Ann xo
Ann…tomorrow my daughter starts kindergarten (in Worcester) and your words remind me to treasure each moment. Bravo to you and Denis for succeeding in the most important job…PARENTING!!! Clearly, your crowning achievement has been your children; they are kind, intelligent people who care about their family and others. My husband and I love Rescue Me, and you have become one of my favorite authors. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your example. I wish more celebrities could demonstrate that it’s possible to be dynamically talented, while remaining responsible, “down to earth” people. Congrats to you, Denis and your family for your achievements and joy! Will be eagerly awaiting your next books… : )