Early yesterday morning, Mark and I, along with my friend Candace and her horse Winter, set off in my trailer for a dressage show. It was pouring rain, but Candace and I had spent all week memorizing our dressage tests, practicing our dressage tests, pretending we were riding our horses in the show doing the tests, pretending we were riding our horses in the Olympics doing the tests, pretending we and our horses were in parades doing dressage, that we were in the movies doing dressage, etc. We had videotaped each other practicing the tests, and while we reviewed the videos we first heaped praise upon each other, then heaped more praise upon our horses and then proceeded to skip all the polite praising of others and focused all our energies on praising ourselves. As each day brought us closer to the show, we really were finding it hard to grapple with our own fabulousness. We came to believe that we probably really belonged at a nationally recognized show of some sort, based on our videos, and we decided not to pay too much attention to our trainer Katja’s bothersome concerns about our riding positions and our horses’ responses to our riding aids. We’d sort all that stuff out at the show!
According to Wikipedia, the fundamental purpose of dressage ”is to develop, through standardized progressive training methods, a horse’s natural athletic ability and willingness to perform, thereby maximizing its potential as a riding horse. At the peak of a dressage horse’s gymnastic development, the horse will smoothly respond to a skilled rider’s minimal aids. The rider will appear relaxed and effort-free while the horse performs the requested movement. Dressage is occasionally referred to as ‘Horse Ballet’.
While neither Mark nor I would be considered at the “peak” of our development in the sport of dressage, we had been practicing for a good three weeks and were feeling pretty confident that we had this whole “horse ballet” thing down pat. Candace has actually been competing in dressage shows all summer. She bought her very beautiful and talented horse Winter several months ago and received first and second place ribbons at her first couple of shows, which really inspired me. Sure, Winter has competed all his adult life and Candace has been working with Katja daily for months, but I didn’t see any reason why Mark and I couldn’t do just as well. Mark’s obesity weight problem is almost under c0ntrol and my nervous disorder has sort of leveled off to a notch below full-blown mania, so I figured we were fit to go.
Finally Sunday arrived and though it was pouring rain, we loaded Mark and Winter into the trailer and set off. The weather had turned into a sort of tropical storm/hurricane by the time we arrived at the show grounds, but after all the practicing and preparation, all the polishing of tack and grooming and preening, if a cyclone appeared and the barns and houses around us were suddenly spinning in the air, I believe that Candace and I would have found some way to cajole the judge into letting us ride our horses in the horse show arena. We needed the practice. For the Olympics.
My ride was first. I was riding Training Level, Test One. It may sound like it’s a lower-level dressage test and that’s because it is. It’s the lowest. The easiest. I had memorized it, but because when I’m nervous in social situations, I sometimes forget things, Katja had agreed to read the movements of the test out to me, which is allowed. So basically, after Mark and I trotted into the ring, all I needed to do was to smile politely at the judge and then listen to Katja’s commands to trot a circle at ‘A’, canter at ‘E’, etc. What I did was trot into the ring, smile politely at the judge and then proceed to lose, simultaneously, my memory and my ability to understand the English language. We trotted and cantered around the ring, my mind racing, my horse careening this way and that and at some point I came to understand that there was a bell ringing. We had gone off-course. We were not riding the patterns that were on the test, but were instead trotting and cantering around the ring in some kind of haphazard fashion that made no sense to anyone but to Mark and me. I thought we were doing the test. Mark thought we were in some kind of race. Katja was wondering why she was telling me to go in one direction and I was going in another. I don’t have to wonder what the judge thought. She provided comments with our scores. ”Energetic horse!” “Running” “Hollow” “Crooked” were some of the comments about our “horse ballet.” We decided to do a second test and in that one, at least, I stayed on course. We got a 4th and a 6th. In classes with 4 and 6 riders.
Candace got a big red ribbon for her second place win. Candace’s comments? “Nice pair.” “Lovely transitions” “Nice!”
But here’s the important thing – Mark had the time of his life. He’s been on a strict diet for weeks and yesterday there was a hay bag in front of him on the trailer all day so it was basically a delightful moveable feast for him. When he was removed from his pleasure dome trailer, and allowed to finish smacking his lips and sighing and flatulating, he was ridden into a ring where all eyes were on him. He was quite delighted with himself, as usual, and on the way back to the trailer, while my face was scarlet with shame, Mark was swaggering past the fancy imported European show horses as if to say, “I know, I know. I’m great. Y’all look like foreigners. Me? Born right here in the good ol’ U.S of A!”
OMG. I am laughing so hard, my son is reading over my shoulder. Sorry, don’t mean to laugh at your mistakes. I don’t know, I think you and Mark are so very well suited. Your energy and his view of the world, delightful! I worry that another horse might not understand, or understand too much. The most important thing is you and Mark rode into the ring, gave it a go, learned from your mistakes and are ready for round two. Right? Pictures?
I know, I’m worried about the same thing regarding a new horse. I’m really used to having an optimist for a horse. An optimist with a rather inflated/distorted sense of self.
Lol. Funny stuff! I thought your silence today must mean new material. Hahaha!
This is HILARIOUS. Yes, that deserved all capital letters.
I just adore Mark and his swagger! I bet he thought his test was nothing short of exceptional. And hey, riders go off course at Rolex and the Olympics, and there was even a rider who couldn’t get her horse past the first halt and salute at Rolex this year, and was excused from the ring and eliminated!
And for what it’s worth, I got my first “0″ for not completing a movement with Zeus – he didn’t halt. Nothing I tried could make him stop moving. The judge wouldn’t salute me back (shame!), and then he said, “You didn’t halt!” As Zeus pranced past I all I could do was say, “I know, sorry, it’s his first big event, better luck next time!” Whoopsy.
By the way, I love Winter! He’s beautiful and it sounds like Candace is having a blast with him.
At least if you go off course at a hunter pace, you’re just considered adventurous…
Lol to the hunter pace comment!
I’ve only ridden in 3 hunter paces all over 2 decades go. Went off course in 2. Actually got disqual with 1/2 the riders at the 1st one due to poor signage and all of us following each other – right off course by miles! The other one my horse wouldn’t jump a fence, so my friend and I tried to go through the go-around, except there was no go-around which we learned the hard way after her horse got tangled up in chicken wire and fell over on top of her. Thankfully both she and Dixie were ok. I felt incredibly guilty as I was responsible for the entire incident. Later on the same hunter pace another horse had lost its footing and fallen over, ending up wedged upside down by its saddle stuck between 2 rocks either side of the trail. After riders undid the saddle the exceedingly calm horse (given the circumstances) got itself up and finished the hunter pace. I’ve stuck to more controlled environments and trails I know since then!
Karen, OMG. That sounds awful and terrifying! I only remember going off course with another team at a pace in NY, and one of the team members was Richard Gere. I could have been happily lost for days.
We’re pacing this weekend, I’ll carefully inspect any and all go-rounds well ahead of time!
I’ll see you there KC. Snoopy always knows the way back to the trailer if you get lost.
KC
Did not forget about the picture of my rescue horse, Finnegan. Had him all polished up and “pose ready” and my husbands digital camera’s battery died on us. It has a problem. Will try again, shortly. As you know, it is hard to have them stand still when there is special green grass they are standing on, the so called lawn, and bugs. But I will get one eventually.
Stephanie
Oh, I love it! Had me laughing out loud. Not just a classic Ann post — that is, witty, hilarious, heartwarming, endearing, and brimming with suspense in the form of a looming potential, real or imagined, of spectacular (though harmless) catastrophe and/or public humiliation — but one about dressage! It’s like finding my favorite dessert on the menu.
And honestly, as much as I love thinking about and watching dressage and even trying (with nonexistent to dismal success) to do dressage, the experience you describe is *exactly* like what I imagine (in what might be described as “nightmares”) it would be like if I somehow found myself in a ring actually doing a test. (Which I hope to do someday, hopefully with KC’s help!)
Anyway, huge congratulations to both you and Mark! So glad that you both had a good time. And how nice that you are able to practice with Candace and Winter. Kudos to them, too for the score of 68 — wow!
Arliss, we are totally doing a dressage show this Fall or next Spring! Count on it!
Wait, I left out the best parts. First, Mark’s very dramatic spook at the letter A, which was on a sign at the entrance to the arena. Mark believed it was a warning of some kind and thought the wise thing to do would be to leap off the track and then try to bolt.
But more importantly, Candace had prepared a delightful picnic of roast chicken, salads and a birthday cake for me! Because it was my birthday. So we ate it in the barn at the show, because of the rain, and it was a great birthday!
Awesome. Happy birthday! Lol. Again.
A birthday picnic in a barn with rain pouring outside, the good company of horses and a friend who made lunch – that’s my idea of divine. Everybody needs a Mark and a Candace, don’t you think?
As for the letter A sign, that’s so curious! My service dog Luke dislikes those bright orange traffic cones. He acts as if they’re radioactive, pulling me in wide jerky semi-circles around them. You’d be surprised how often we encounter those things: to demarcate wet floors in public spaces, where the line should form at theatres or book signings, separating areas where work is being done in stores/malls, etc. It’s hard enough for me to hold onto to Luke and not fall over when this happens; I cannot imagine what it would be like if I were actually sitting on him. Apparently even optimists have their moments of pure conviction that the world is suddenly going sideways-bad ;(
I believe the Letter A Sign was placed there for ANN!! What a wonderful birthday..
Well, despite it all, it sounds like you survived and Mark had a delightful time. This is definitely, as Arliss said, a classic Ann post. Hilarious and charming. It also reminded me of trying out for the swim team when I was eight. I didn’t swim well, I was super nervous, and there were no “lanes.” In this out of body experience, I basically bounced off one side of the pool and then the other, completing some sort of diamond shaped course, and sort of oblivious. I slogged in long after everyone else had finished. Only one swimmer stayed behind to watch me finish…my brother. I think they allowed me on the team mainly because they were impressed that I hadn’t drowned. Good times.
Happy Belated Birthday, Ann, and all of you other August babies!
(P.S. Aislinn, during Retrograde Mercury my computer lost your e-mail address. Drop me a line so I can get it again…)
Happy Birthday!
seriously, one of the funniest posts in a long time. i tried to read it out loud to my husband and was laughing so hard he had to come read for himself.
i had a similar incident at a spelling bee, losing my ability to focus on pronouncing letters while my voice was up about three octaves higher than normal.
i felt like cindy brady – “baton rouge, baton rouge.”
Very funny! I have been LOL in public (at a ‘tavern’ with wifi in soggy historic Bennington). Soggy, but the tavern brews its own beer, so who am I to criticize? Today’s entry is a keeper!
Are you at The Villager? The V? Is it still there in North Bennington?
Nope. Downtown at a new place (that’s only been there 20 years). The V. is still there in North B., but not as the V. I don’t want to go in and ruin my picture of one-eyed Cliff behind the bar (Budweiser, 50 cents), serving a very mixed town-gown clientele. The V. with wifi? I don’t think so.
I remember 50 cent beer nights myself. And there was no dancing allowed, but of course Bennington students must dance and there was a guy who worked there who held a baseball bat and shook it menacingly at us whenever we started busting out our moves.
As an anxious type myself, I can so relate! I’m glad Mark had a good time, and that you had a lovely birthday picnic with Candace. Happy birthday, Dear Ann!
Have I mentioned lately how much I identify with Mark?
Love it. Peaase hug his neck for me.
Love it! Thank you from my flu-ridden self—Ann, you have brightened my day enormously! I think you and Mr. Mark would make great parade marshalls for our Stampede!
Feel better Lynne!
“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.” – Mark Twain
Wicked funny story, Ann!
Perfect quote Alan
Love Mark, born in the USA!
One last thought, Ann – did you see that special on optimism by Michael J Fox? I learned so much. The genetic component stuff was fascinating. I loved best the part where MJF kind of deconstructed his & his wife’s partnership, talking about him being the optimist and Tracy being the more anxious/cautious/worried sort. My husband Gary and I are that same kind of pair. Perhaps all of us more jittery folk are drawn to optimists to balance us out? Makes sense why you and Mark would be such soulmates, and the same for WonderDog Luke & me ;0)
Anyway, I highly recommend that special to everyone if you’ve not seen it. I think it’s called something like Adventures with An Incurable Optimist. It’s available on iTunes.
Thanks Denise. I know Michael and Tracy and they are truly an amazing couple. Denis is definitely the optimist and I’m the pessimist around here.
Dear Ann, How wonderful, for me, perhaps not so much for you, to know that riding dressage is an equal opportunity humilater! I too suffer from the afflication of “dressage”‘ it is hard at any age, but as we ‘MATURE’ and try to master this art/sport it ia especially trying. But, your blog posting reminded me to take a step back and realize that the process is part of the ;joy, and how lucky we are to be able to afford such a luxury as horse ownership and all it entails. Thanks, T
Great Story! Glad you had fun….Mark really is a character.
Question……Was it raining when you and Mark performed? I was in your neck of the woods that day and the weather was just awful!
Too funny, Ann! Dressage is a great leveler for us humans, but I’m happy Mark was so proud of his magnificent self! I’m a huge fan of his and his positive attitude. I’ve gotten those comments “Crooked” “Hollow” and also a MINUS 2 for daring to speak to my horse during a test! LOL! I talk to him all the time and wasn’t even aware I was doing it. It will get better, and I’m proud of you……plus, your BD picnic sounds perfect.
Just can’t stop smiling. What a wonderful story. These are the times we remember, always, as some of the best!