Recent events including, but not limited to, the repeated sighting of our enemy in the occupied zone have forced me to reissue the following declaration. My apologies to the oldies (but goodies) who saw this post a few years ago, in its original form.
For more than a decade, the Learys have pursued patient and honorable efforts to defend ourselves against our enemies – The Mice – without war. In those years we have used various nonviolent efforts to reinforce our boundaries, while sending clear and indisputable signals that we will not tolerate their threats of invasion. These efforts have included completely reinforcing our basement walls and packing steel wool into every hole we could find, no matter how small. These nonviolent efforts to disable the rodent forces have failed again and again. Why? Because we are not dealing with a peaceful, law-abiding species. We are dealing with vermin.
Our boundaries are very clear. The mice get the whole outdoors. The only areas off limits to them are the indoors of our house and barn, both of which are the indisputable territory of the Learys. Our rights to this territory are spelled out in a document that we hold sacred. A document know as the Title of Ownership that proclaims the house to be under exclusive ownership of the Learys (and our allies, Wachovia Bank).
We never provoked the mice, but on the occasion that a renegade ran under our stove, it would be killed in a trap. This was meant to be a deterrent. We never attacked ALL the mice. We never tried to topple their entire empire.
Unfortunately, intelligence gathered this week has proven to us, beyond any doubt, that the Mice are intent upon destroying the Learys as a people. It was brought to our attention that heat hasn’t been working in the kids’ bedrooms and our furnace is only a couple of years old. So we called in an elite heating squad. After the specialist examined the furnace, he was debriefed. This man has served honorably in his field for many years, but he was visibly shaken. The mice had chewed through cables attached to the control panel on the furnace. The result was that they allowed a small amount of gas to leak. In addition they had shorted out the power switch so the thing kept trying to ignite every few minutes, sending off little sparks, right into this little stream of gas! The mice almost blew up our house.
In addition, the mice have been covertly engaged in germ warfare for months. They enter our kitchen under the stealth of night and plant little hanta-virus laden bombs in the form of their droppings, all over our kitchen.
The danger is clear: using biological or explosive weapons, the mice/terrorists could someday achieve their aim and destroy all Learys.
I will not divulge our tactics here, as I don’t want to compromise our intelligence. Although we appreciate all efforts to support our objective of eradicating the mice, we will not tolerate vigilantism. Reports that a mouse was recently slain and then placed on my bed are true. We are confident that we know the perpetrator of this lawless and reckless act and she will be reprimanded.
My fellow Learys, the dangers to our home and our way of life will be overcome. We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of peace which is our dream, not only for us, but for all mankind (along with our other dream for a new season of Mad Men).
We will defend our freedom. And we will prevail.
horses and doggies, yes…rodents, no…couldn’t bring myself to let the kids have a hamster….where are the kitties..cycle of life and all that jazz!
I’d lend you my orange cat Ozzie but he’s been known to sit and watch the little varmints walk around the kitchen!
I can’t remember the last time i laughed that hard at my computer. People are staring at me in strange bewilderment, so I am sharing your war story with them. You are, without a doubt, as funny as your husband. Much love luck to you in your honorable efforts to bring peace to your home.
…and here I thought I was the only house-captain who purchased steel wool by the case! also. that bedcover, as lovely as it is, goes directly into the trash, yes? *screams like a nine year old girl*
Yes, indeed. Gone.
Ann,
This is SUCH a funny story – thank goodness they were discovered before anything major happened to your lovely home.
Have to admit though, the vermin that are “occupying the Leary’s” are healthy little buggers! The evidence on your bed is very well fed!!
You are more than welcome to my 6 cats who are on call 24/7. Their actions can be quick and I believe that their actions could be comparable to our SEALS that protect & serve us. Snowball, Lucky, Tom,Jerry, Twinkles & Fumbles 7 Delta Charlie Echo Niner await your call! No guarantees that your bed won’t be used to show off their success!
Funny (and kind of icky) story, Ann. I remember reading it when you first posted it years ago and telling you that you were more than welcome to some of our two dozen barn cats! Reading the story years ago made me appreciate our ever-increasing numbers of barn cats because we have never seen a mouse in our house since we built it in 2005. (Of course, we don’t see any cute bunnies or very many squirrels in the yard, either….) These are some of the most spoiled barn cats in existence today, but they more than earn their keep, obviously. Thanks for reminding me of one of the benefits of having so many cats.
Terrorist mice…not good to say the least! Although your hubby dislikes cats, investing in a few mousers might help. My cats destroyed a mother mouse and babies with my elderly cat defiantly chomping two baby mice in front of his much younger brother as if to say, “Look, kid, this is how it’s done.” Of course I now need to worm both cats, but it’s worth it to be rid of the filthy mice. Now…if I could only get rid of the blacksnakes in the basement.
If you get rid of black snakes in the basement, your cats will swim on a rising tide of mice! Lol.
Black snakes are the best mousers EVER, and they don’t need to be wormed.
So sorry for your mouse problem. That furnace thing isn’t funny.
We had a major field mouse invasion a few years ago– before getting our two rescue kitties. At least THAT dilemma has found a balance.
Only one of our dogs ever caught mice–when somebody fired up the tractor and they ran out of its crevices.
We have owned dogs who got meadow voles, which the deceased on your bed appears to be. Voles are slower, darker gray and fatter, with shorter tails and legs, and less destructive than actual mice.
Holly needs to step up her game!! Lulu could catch a vole, as could I! Go, terrier girl, go!
Mice are darned cute until they’re in your wiring or your kitchen!!
Good luck with the problem. Oh, and yeah, our cats do sometimes give their prizes to dogs….then the dogs try to claim the credit.
Well Carol, I learned something today – I had never heard of a vole until you mentioned it. I thought it was a well-fed little mouse!
Carole, I think you’re right about the vole. Our Daphne catches voles and chipmunks all the time. She, unfortunately, killed 3 chipmunks last year during one single hike. But I do think the mice are too sneaky for the dogs. I know it was Daphne who placed the “trophy” on my bed. Denis and I woke up in the middle of the night, years ago, because Daphne was tossing something around on the bed and wouldn’t stop. I turned on the light. DEAD CHIPMUNK IN THE BED. Blood everywhere. It was like the scene in The Godfather, but a chipmunk instead of the horse’s head. Denis and I were both screaming like schoolgirls.
Lol! That must’ve been messy, with the size of a chipmunk and all. Gross–horrifying, yet hilarious.
Years ago, in our first house, MJ and I were awakened by STOMP!….EEK!……STOMP!…..EEK! zig zagging across ourh our cozy bed.
In unison, we yelled, and speedily tipped up the covers, sliding the cat and mouse onto the floor, where they resumed their escapede under the bed. STOMP!!!….EEK!!
Ah, the memories.
The same cat used to bring live chipmunks indoors and free them, for indoor sport on a whim. Yay.
On my!!!! Love the connection to the Godfather!!!!
A mouse??? That looks like a rat on your bed :O
What do you feed them in America? I’ve caught 5 mice so far. I hate them with a passion
I’ve been reading your blog for about a month, this posting today is too funny. Why can’t I be this sarcastic? Looking forward to reading a lot more. Jane from Montreal!
You know what we need on this blog? A “Like” button.
Welcome Jane!
Thanks Ann. And I agree with Loretta, I’m planning to buy the books too, hope I can find them in Montreal!
We need a LOVE button =)
Ya know, I started out by looking at the photos, and thought “Oh, how nice. The Leary’s have adopted a mouse. They even let him sleep on their bed.”
Then I read the post.
Eek.
Aislinn, you are hilarious
As usual.
Man, you guys need a cat!
We have a problem in one of our barns too. We have a barn cat, but he’s really more of a basement cat. And we lock him in the basement at night so the resident coyote (who should also be on the hunt for mice but has chosen to recline in a different barn) won’t eat Mojo the cat. It’s very complicated.
However, on the rare occasion we’ve had a mouse that gets into our home, our indoor-only cats Monster and Whimsy are professionals at snuffing them out but not killing them, so I can capture the terrified mouse with garden gloves and the Husband can shriek like a banshee if it runs past him. I think Monster and Whimsy got their experience herding cockroaches in my East Village apartment, when I would shoo the cats away, spray the roach with bleach to stun it and then hammer away at it with a Jimmy Choo…I’ll take mice over the roaches. They’re cuter.
Good luck!
Ha ha!
My host for paintouts in mid-coast cali got rid of mice in her garage by trapping them alive in 5 gallon buckets with a small amount of bird seed inside. The mice dropped in for the seed and couldn’t get out, whereby my host carried the buckets across the street and dumped the lil critters into the underbrush there.
She ended her mouse problem and did some amazing ink and brush paintings of them….from memory.
Hosts for paint-whats?
Painting festivals out of doors, otherwise known as “Plein Air,” from the French, meaning “Open Air.”
They are art festivals (usually juried) where artists paint in a specified area, e.g., the Monterey Penninsula, San Luis Obispo County, CA…or the stste of Wyoming, or a garden center in CT, etc……some of the ones I’ve participaterd in.
At the end of the event, all the participating artists must display for sale a specified number of pieces done during the designated time.
Some festivals find a number people who host an artist or two for the event. A host provides a bed and perhaps food, to defray some of the artist’s expenses. They may also give the artist hints about where to paint.
My Cali host who so deftly handled her mouse problem does Chinese brush painting and studied in China.
She did pages of beautiful, sentisitive brush paintings of her guest mouse, before showing him the far side of the road…..like Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse, only different.
I’ve used the sunflower seeds-floating-in-a-bucket-of-water technique (creepily – but accurately – referred to as “The Bucket of Death”) to reduce the chipmunk population on my property. Works like a charm. On occasion, mice have been collateral casualties of this varmint removal program.
All these furry little woodland creatures are cute in that Disney-esque, anthropomorphic way…right up until they invade your walls, your attic, your basement, your pantry, etc. Then it is indeed war!
Flying squirrels, anyone?
Pizan! Just had my roof shingled and asked that the crawl space be opened up to let me go in and clean up the squirrel $h!t that was in there b/cuz while no human could access the crawl space–every squirrel in the woods did. Found 3 dead squirrels and the fact that they had chewed through all the electrical lines up there. That explains why no kitchen light. This is WAR!!!
Oh God! I just about died laughing. One of your funniest posts ever. I do think you’re going to have to resort to cats, cats, cats.
Ann, you are as funny as Denis HMOG (Holy Mother of God)! I am going to buy your books after reading this one!
Thanks for the giggles!
Loretta
Didn’t this happen last year with the furnace? This sounds familiar to me. You need a new cat bad. War is right.
It’s a recycled post. The furnace thing happened a couple of years ago but the furnace guy was REALLY shaken up. The thing this year is that the little buggers have apparently taken it upon themselves to come from far and wide to die behind our walls. I think our sheetrock is some kind of hallowed burial ground for mice. What a stench. If you walked into my house right now, you’d think I was a serial killer who is too lazy to bury the remains of my victims. That’s how bad the dead animal smell is.
Really, it’s mice. I’d never kill people.
Why did I make that analogy? So weird. I’d never do that. I’m not a killer. Of people.
Denis is in LA! He’s not missing. He’s in LA.
Oh, God. The stench of dead animals….My first real house was a rental in the country outside West Lafayette, Indiana. I can stil vividly recall the nauseating, indescribable smell of mice which had died in the heating vents or behind the walls. And this was 38 years ago! It’s a terrible sense memory which never goes away. (By the way, glad to learn Denis is in LA and not buried behind your sheetrock. We’d miss him.) Get thee some cats, Ann!!
Last winter while lounging in the reliciner with the cat watching TV… I hear “crunch, crunch,” and thought…Blackie doesn’t usually eat this time of night…look down to see my cat still curled up on recliner WATCHING THE LITTLE HEATHEN EATING HER FOOD!!!! Seriously???? set humane traps.. spring loaded traps … sticky traps…(used cheese , peanut butter) only thing the little bugger liked was the sweet and sour packets from the chinese take out place!!!! I too have now filled every little hole with steel wool and used foam insulation on top of that!!!! Good luck mouse huinting!!! (I’d offer you my cat but apparently its too below her to hunt!)
I remember this post….soooo funny! We have a family of mice living in our garage. My husband has a dozen traps strategically placed in there and the traps have not caught ONE mouse. It might be time to send in the cat!!!
It would be great Ann if you could have a ‘like’ button available on your blog. So many entries to press ‘like’ for.
Ann, I so relate to this post. We were similarly invaded in my house. It was particularly bad at the end of last winter. Word on the street was that it was worse than usual, because the cold, snowy winter had driven the mice indoors in search of food and shelter.
I would bet that the steel wool in the holes didn’t work because they ate it!!! All of the insulation was eaten from under the hood of my husband’s truck. They ate all the lining of our grill covers, and ate through the line for the propane gas tank of our grill too.
I, too, had the dead animal stench in my bedroom more than once. We were awakened from our sleep one night to the sound of one scratching inside the walls. Aside from breaking holes in the wall, there was nothing we could do.
The smell does go away, in the meantime, I burned lots of scented candles when I was home.
For the holes, my husband found some kind of spray foam like stuff that hardens, and really fills the holes very well. It did the trick. We have also been using glue traps, which work very well too.
I agree, it is war. They completely and utterly disgust me. God Bless my wonderful husband for single handledly making it his mission to conquer them. Good luck!!
Spikes of Death. It’s the only answer. We back up to a farm; no further explanation required. One summer, 7 confirmed kills. This fall, it appeared it was a rogue rodent acting alone. Last week we confirmed what we secretly suspected: he was a scout for a rodent terror cell. Two more insurgents were halted. And their carcasses discovered several stinky days later. Still, the only answer is Spikes of Death. Get them at HD or Lowe’s. They’re white plastic with red bait dishes. Peanutbutter is the best bet. Will patiently await the next foolish rebel. I don’t poop in THEIR house…..
Loved your story, Ann.
One of our family mottoes is “Man is smarter than mouse!” We have gone through a number of episodes.
A few months ago my husband accused me of stealing his earplugs. He’d left them out to dry after swimming. His little earplug box was open. The plugs… gone! We were mystified, and I swear my hubby thought I had done something with those darn earplugs. Then another set disappeared. That’s how we found out we’d been invaded.
We caught the bugger the old fashioned way…with peanut butter on the trap. Last week we found the nest. (Moved a table leaf insert away from a closet wall and found both sets of gnawed up earplugs.)
So if cheese and peanut butter don’t work..try earwax. Oh yuck, I can’t believe I wrote that.
Love the blog. It’s my de-stressor. Waiting to hear more about the new book.
There is one, very easy way to get rid of mice.
Put dryer sheets, such as Bounce, but preferably BJ’s brand,(since they are extra strong smelling,) in the attic and basement.
Mice HATE the smell. Dryer sheets can be used in cars also.
Mice will be very destructive in cars by building nests in the heater boxes.They also destroy wiring harness’s, and create havoc behind the dashboard.
I own an automotve facility and customers are always coming in with this issue.After fixing the destruction, we place dryer sheets in the car and the problem is solved.
You will have to refresh the sheets once they lose the scent.
My son recently moved into a cottage that was having the mouse problem. He got the BJ brand of dryer sheets and put an entire box in the attic. Same with the basement.
Not one mouse has appeared in weeks.
Try it….
Thanks for the tip Karen! This is so easy to do!!!!
I am totally trying this! Thanks Karen!
Thanks for the info, Karen. Good to know I’m not the only rodent that hates the smell of dryer sheets.
Well, if you ever run out of hockey pucks…
Yikes, what a predicament! Recently I had my snowblower serviced (I keep it in the outdoor shed) and the guys told me they never saw such a huge mouse nest inside. Geez, no wonder it wasn’t working as well last year. Anyhow, they recommended that, during storage, I place dryer sheets around the snowblower. I’m going to try this with my lawnmower-will be interesting to see if it works. These little stinkers are pretty inventive when finding hiding places…last fall, when cleaning out the shed, I saw 2 little beady eyes in my flowerpot. I quickly sent them on their merry way-my guess is that they probably found their way back.
Wow…..having had a similiar experience I have to comment. As mentioned before I volunteer with the Twilight Brigade, a nonprofit that visits dying Vets in Hospices in LA. I manage my volunteer troops from a wing in the VA. Well the whole VA had a rat infestation. There had a been a party so the large trash bins outside had attracted them since it contained food. From there having determined this was quite the diner they were looking for they entered the building including our kitchen and destroying it with easy access holes for them to enter.
Now I work there alone so having “the rat pack” join the Brigade was somewhat disconcerting. I called and a team of specialists was sent to clean up and put down traps. So for months I had to start my day to get someone to dispose of the traps which did not always happen in a timely fashion. So I enlisted folks to assist and the smell was very funky.
Now the interesting part, maybe because I have seen so many humans check out was by rat 3 it started bothering me to look at their helpless bodies in the traps. Indeed they are vermin which I did not wish to enlist in my office space
yet at the same time they are Gods creatures (not sure how
some shit was thought to be a good idea) so I would bless
them before they hit the dumpster. I wished there was a simple way to just put rat food down and we could all live in peace. In my sick compassionate mind they started looking sort of sweet.
Even though this VA is in a city I even saw a coyote there once. It was so beautiful although it most assuredly would be happy eating my beloved pom. It reminded me of a friend who was really pissed that hawks were swooping down and eating chickens at her bird sanctuary. She had forgotton hawks are birds. I told her the hawks thought it was a drive through for snacks and how could she blame them for being hawks. How were they somehow less than chickens in the scheme of this. I asked if she felt bad wanting to shoot them and she said no.
The point I am making is in this world animals, vermin and people at the most fundamental state do what they think is right to survive. This really is the basis of most war and disharmony. It is part of the food chain of life. So the Leary’s clearly must protect their home from attack in any way possible.
At the same time I am an Ann fan because from the posted picture while she annilates it there is a part in her heart the goes out to the tiny mouse face.
Happy Holidays to All
I just finished reading your first book (for the first time) and it would seem to me that you have seen enough ‘vole’ documentaries in your lifetime to be able to identify one! (I personally had never heard the word ‘vole’ until yesterday.
In the 1980s, there was an effort to reduce the levels of pesticide exposure on children because at the time, city kids had double the exposure than kids in farming areas. For those living in NY, those little signs placed in front of properties after they had their lawns sprayed was part of that effort. Since then, pesticide exposure has been found to increase the risk of Parkinson’s by 2.5 times.
At the time I was also on a committee to reduce the pesticide use in schools and we learned the best way to deal with rodents was to plug the holes and possible entry ways, not by steel wool but cement. It’s well worth the effort to get a contractor to spend a few hours plugging the holes. There isn’t that much construction going on at the moment and I discovered the second floor gable that was so expensive to paint three years ago, could now be painted for one-fifth of the cost.
So be a job creator. Trying to make a barn sealed tight is very hard, but it should be possible to plug and tighten a house in a few hours. If someone has some rodents behind walls — if the walls are made from sheet rock it wouldn’t take much to remove a piece of the wall, remove the critters and patch it up.
Although cats are awesome. When I was a kid, we got a barn cat (born in a barn) and I discovered, barn cats really like barns and ours did not like going into the house. He insisted on living in the attached garage.
One winter day while sitting at my desk working on a revision, one of the kittens we were fostering rubbed against my ankle for some attention. I “pet” it w/my bare foot – kind of on automatic pilot – while I continued with my writing. When I was done I pushed back from the desk to pick the kitten up & give it some proper snuggling.
Needless to say given the theme of your post, it was decidedly *not* one of the kittens! To this day I’m cautious about delivering affection unto any fur-bearing creature in situations where my vision is limited/obscured. I’m sure the mouse was thinking something along the lines of, Wow, she’s awfully friendly – sure beats all the people waving brooms at me & screaming bloody murder.
Denise, I don’t know if you were around here when I posted the piece about the time a bat sat on my lap, but your story reminded me of that. maybe I’ll repost that one of these days.
EEEEKK!!!!!!! (To both of you!)….
We are such saps in our house that we put peanut butter in “Have a Heart Traps”. Then, my husband drives them a couple of miles down the road, to a deserted fruit stand, and releases them.
So you feed the mice, and then provide free transportation for them to a lovely vacation spot? WOW. You might be the nicest people on earth
Speaking of these invasive little critters, we have been listening inside the ceiling in my bathroom. I climbed up the loft and left rat poison around, and a few rat traps. This may not be viewed by some as an act of human kindness. To heck. Anything to spare germs, rabies, etc.
I’ve been developing a fascination with roses. There are thirty-eight to forty rose bushes for me to prune, fertilize, etc. There huge red and white blooms. They are displayed around the house. I am still an amateur who is learning. I intend to become a “Master Rosarist.”
Gloria
Oh, Gloria, how I envy you in growing roses. They are my favorite flower, good luck with your endeavor. If you get some pics of them how about sending them along to me. My e-mail on my website.
: )
Hi Annie,
I’d love to send you pics of my roses. Like a new parent who wants to show the world her cute baby. And the flowers are great, with huge blooms and sturdy stems to hold them up. I
The thing is, i’m embarassed to tell, I am so behind in technology. I don’t have a blog, I don’t do stuff that others do on the internet. I only email on occasion.
I haven’t sent pics in years. When I do you’ll be the first to know.
Gloria
Gloria, we must see these roses! Please take some photos and send them here and I’ll post them for all. With a poem!
Wow! My roses on display!? I’m trying to get my camera to work, but already took a few shots. In the past year I have had to find joyful activities to counter an anxiety-inducing, shocking life event. All worry and no enjoyment makes a girl wilt.
Gloria
I LOVE this story. I laughed throughout the entire read.
Hi Annie and all,
I wanted to access your email on your blog but it is not working. Anyway hopefully you will enjoy the big blooms here. For anyone on the blog who wishes to contact me, feel free to email me at [email protected].
Gloria
What I could never understand, is how the tiny remains of one deceased mouse can smell like, well,a scene from something you’d see on CSI. Yikes!!!Funny stuff,glad to know it’s not just me!
So, has anyone heard from the Learys? Seems to be awfully quiet on the eastern front. Maybe they were all eaten by the mice! Should we be worried? Mobilize???
Yankee Candles does NOT produce a product that covers up the stench of decomposing rodent. A mouse that was either suicidal or wounded by one of the cats decided to end its days in the space occupied by the motor of the refrigerator.
Lovely! I had to have a new fridge due to the odor. When another repair person came to fix the washer, the stench was obvious. As Ann said, it was the scent quite like the decomposing victims of a serial killer too lazy to properly bury his/her victims.
Why do mice insist upon dying in hard to reach spots?