I wish I could write stuff here about my kids, but they have this hang-up about something they like to call “privacy”, so I can’t tell you about how funny, charming and adorable they are.
But I can write about two hypothetical kids.
So imagine there’s a lady, let’s call her “Mom,” who knows these two young adults, we’ll call them Lisa and Drew. Let’s imagine, for a moment, that she shares a home occasionally with these young people, and due to a genetic link that binds them, the lady feels somewhat protective of them. Let’s also imagine that Lisa is approaching a birthday that not only marks 20 years on this earth, but also exactly five years of unrelenting sarcasm so that every conversation goes something like this:
Lisa: I’m planning to come into the city on Friday to go to a concert, so I was wondering if we can stay at the apartment.
Mom: Oh, that sounds like fun. So you’ll be with friends?
Lisa: No, I’m bringing strangers.
Mom: I…
Lisa: I’m going to pick them up at a rest stop next to the highway.It’s a great place to meet people.
Mom: All I want to know is how many friends.
Lisa: Five. Five Hell’s Angels. All staying at our apartment. Is that okay?
Mom: Really, I…
Lisa: Okay, okay, you’ve worn me down. They’re martians. From outer space. Don’t worry, I won’t let them sleep in your bed.
Mom: Where’s the concert?
Lisa: In midtown. In a crack house.
Mom: How are you getting there?
Lisa: We’re going to lay face-down on the street and then creep up 7th Avenue on our bellies. Commando-style.
Mom: Who’s the band?
Lisa: DJ blahblahblah
Mom: Oh is that the name of a band? Or is it a DJ who just plays records? Who…like…spins?
Lisa (fitful laughter) SPINS? (wiping away tears) You’re adorable mom!”
Mom: Why are you texting now?
Lisa: I had to tell my friends what you said. They love to hear your craziness.
Mom: Why are you laughing so hard at your phone?
Lisa: My friends think you’re adorable.
Mom: (flattered) Really?
Lisa: No, don’t worry. They aren’t being that mean (more fitful laughter).
Mom: I just didn’t know they call it a concert when it’s just a DJ.
Lisa: This DJ is actually a folk duo. One sings, the other plays the harpsichord.
Mom: I don’t know why you’re being so sarcastic.
Lisa: What do you mean sarcastic?
Mom: I just want to make sure you’re going to be safe.
Lisa: No, we’re planning to get killed by the mafia on the way home from the concert.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Of this hypothetical conversation.
Awww. Wait until hypothetical kid has her own kid. That’ll learn her.
Amen to that sister.
Ann
Always gonna be a Mom, I get from my daughter’s friends “Your Mom is so cute”., which translates into let’s humor her. Just remember your College days….
Thanks for the smile this morning! My boys’ favorite past time is: pick on the woman who gave you life. Yesterday I was lovingly told that I was covered in “lame sauce”. It’s a good think they are pretty funny.
Lame Sauce,, hmm I think I have a big scoop of that as well.. too funny..
OMG Ann, I have the exact same sort of conversations with both of my boys, 22 & 20. One is in Baltimore and one is in Boston and they think that my husband and I are so naive and crazy to worry. They get so annoyed and sarcastic when we ask them questions, just like your hypothetical kids!
*thing
I just…I just have so much hope for the next generation. This was hilarious.
Apple…tree. Need I say more?
Very funny! Good morning laugh. When it come back our kids I am going to play The Circle of Life…
Cannot relay any of my own experiences due to household privacy laws. However, this hypothetical kid seems to have inherited the humour gene from her hypothetical parents. Thanks for the laughs!
Adolescent smart-assery: the pathway to adult smart-assery.
Yeah, I can’t imagine where “LIsa” gets this from…. <–Adult Smart-Assery
Alan, is smart-assery related to goofballery?
Just checking
It has to be girls right? I have 3, it has to be girls, I like that it is the other way around in your house, I have privacy laws, it did not help me christmas night while dancing in my own home and a daughter of mine sent it to youtube and Ellen…privacy whats that???
Link PLEASE!!!!
hahahahah!!! NEVER OMG NEVER
Seconded! Link!
Laughing hysterically!! What if i get drunk and post it…..oh no what did i start…..
*chanting* LINK! LINK! LINK! LINK!
*maniacal laugh*
Oh, please, Oh, please, Oh, pretty please?!?
Just heading out for a Carribean cruise with my daughter, or as she likes to call it “Being locked in a closet with my mother for a week”
Hypothetical Daughter is very funny. I remember having similar conversations at that age… my daughters are 7 and 11: it’s coming back around. In fact they are both actually pretty good at sarcasm already, but it’s sort of standard dialect in our home – good natured sarcasm is okay. I’m not looking forward to the role of annoying mom covered in “lame sauce” and constant target of kids’ sarcasm.
Welcome to my world.
That was adorable!!! That “Lisa” is hysterical. I’m so glad I checked in this morning. Such a hoot!
Hilarious! This type of warm exchange is what makes us think, “Just wait until you have kids of your own.” Even though we hated it when our folks said it to us. Life. Love it!
Ah I remember those conversations well. Sometimes when I wanted to “one-up” my daughter after she was all through with her dialogue I would say “that only required a yes or no answer” and left that with her. Ha!
))
If, and I say if she is a Leary (lol) it’s in her genes what can you expect. You are a funny family that’s for sure
i believe my mother could’ve written this 25 years ago and wouldn’t have even had to change the name!
hahahahahaha!!
Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I just sent this to my very own “Lisa”. Thanks so much. hahahaha
Harpsichord…I am still laughing! Great post, Ann.
KC, see what you have to look forward too in about 15 years.
And Bev…LINK, LINK, LINK, LINK….
*snort*
Cat, that’s if we have a “Lisa.” If we have a “Drew” I’m just going to expect a chorus of mumbles and grunts as he goes about his business.
Of course, I’m one of those soon-to-be parents who thinks attaching your child to an immovable object with a bungee cord is perfectly acceptable.
I don’t see why everyone thinks this is so funny. I think Lisa is being a brat. My son is still that way a lot of the time at age 40! I have never gotten used to it and I still call him a brat. I really do think it is a form of rudeness. I don’t care who does it.
Linda, I think you just out-sarcasmed “Lisa”. Well done!
Ann, Lisa reminds me of my daughter, let’s call her Jane. I left a post on her Facebook page last week, one of those sweet ones that come along every so often which stated how lovely she is and she sent me a MESSAGE (no, a phone call wouldn’t do!) asking that I please abstain from leaving this type of post on her wall and OH, BY THE WAY, could I please limit the amount of posts I send to her, two in two days was TOO MANY! She didn’t want her friends to think I was her ONLY friend!
OH and also…would I be offended if she deleted the post?
AND, could I pick her up at the train station Saturday afternoon?
LOL!
At least your “Lisa” friended you! I need to stop saying “Drive Safely” due to response, “NO, I’ll be driving recklessly”.
Bea, that is my oldest daughter; like yours, she will not friend me or any family members (other than her sisters). Who knows what goes on on her homepage? No one is talking. Maybe she actually works for the CIA! Ann, there is nothing wrong, with a little artistic license! : )
In fairness to “Lisa” I may have exaggerated a little.
Never in a million years!!
Bev, it’s just us. C’mon!
Oh you WICKED temptress!
I just read that “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society” will be made into a movie starring Kate Winslet. I loved that book, recommended on the blog, I am looking forward to the movie. I have been in queue for The Dove Keepers since October and still way down on the list.
Candy, you just made my day. I loved that book.
I can’t wait until mine hit the teen years. I’m so excited at the prospect that I’m moving toward it in a commando crawl through each calendar year.
My husband though is actually looking forward to these conversations, and has been practicing in sarcasm-offs. Which is also fun.
Come on, Bev! If Ellen can see it, we can too! Was it to “Single Ladies?”
I do remember going through a phase like this with my mom. She now had gleefully tells me that I’m going to get payback for it.
PS – the DJ thing puzzles me as well, considering Hubby DJs and we go into the city to see his favorite DJs. Sometimes the music is good but honestly, it’s just one guy behind some records (or in this day and age, CDJs, or CD/ computer turntables). I’m still waiting to go to one of those “concerts” where I can a) sing along and b) not hear “untz untz untz” for hours afterward. Don’t tell Hubs but I find them reallllly boring.
KC., no it was to pitbull and Neyo. (sweats, no make up, ponytail dancing with one daughter ( who was in disguise, hat and glasses,)they planned it! while other daughter filmed it……oh dear……… why am i here, why am i doing this? why why why…? This post is about Lisa….. Move along peeps nuthin to see…;-)
Wait a minute…you own sweats?!
secrets are out..Vic secrets but they are sweats…….I had a laspse it will never happen again ever.
oh and “pink” was blinged on my arse in gold studs..I am in a sweat with shame.
Now we know search words to use on Youtube. See you guys there!
Bev, I am going to google the hell out of “Drunk British Lady Shaking her Blinged-up Pink Booty to Pit Bull” Surely it has to be out there somewhere!
Aislinn I am on the floor!! OMG!!!!
When will I learn not to drink beverages while reading Ann’s blog?
OMG, Aislinn! Bev! Ha ha ha!!
I think of all the times I rolled my eyes when my mom asked me questions about the ‘who, what, when, where and why’ of what I was going to do! Now when I ask my daughter about the specifics of her plans – I swear I can hear my mother’s words coming out of my mouth. The first time this happened I told my husband, “It’s official,I’ve become my mother!!!!”
On another note…Happy 51st Anniversary Mom and Dad!!!
PS They just got internet service at their home so now they can read that!
Bev just sent me a private link to video. I promised I wouldn’t share, but I can say she is really a very good dancer. There is a classical elegance to her movements, a splendid grace flows through her limbs, there is a….
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sorry, as I was saying, she’s quite the mover, our Bev.
ANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! OMG!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
The apple doesn’t fall far from the trees, both of them. “Lisa” actually cracked me up. I relate to “Lisa”
Gloria
C’mon Bev!!!!!!
I will stand up and take the blame for the Leary side of the hypothetical children. You plant a carrot, you get a carrot, as they say. Sarcasm oozes from a particular side of your hypothetical children. Apparently it has raised it’s genes in the four cousins raised in this house. I believe sarcasm is expressed on the 23rd gene.
Oh, Ann, thanks so much for the laughs. You always manage to Bring It just when I need it ~
OMG, hilarious!! I adore Hypothetical Daughter!
I think it is amazing that these kids are fortunate to have the funniest (among other good qualities, of course) parents on the planet! You can already hear very strong traces of Denis in the humor, and I can tell by reading your blog, Ann, that you have a fabulous personality and sense of humor as well.
Love reading about kids, as I have a 19, 20, and 24 year-old myself and it is amazing how much alike ALL of them are at the same ages…Thank you SO much for sharing!